Two steps forward, one step back...

... or maybe 1.5 steps backward.
Or 3.
Right when it looks like I'm doing well, and I'm walking everywhere, and I don't have any actual problems... something fucking opens up in my leg. I now have a 4.5cm deep hole in my leg which is steadily draining a clear-ish fluid and blood for about a week and about a half, and walking on it *hurts*.
So right when I was actually picking up some positivity, there it all goes.
... Again.

I hate this.
I don't like complaining, don't like whining- I don't even like admitting that anything is wrong. Thing is, well, an amputated leg isn't exactly something you can hide from a doctor; when you spasm and can't walk from pain, it's hard to play that off; and I've learned that there is absolutely NO way to make things better if I just sit there and don't say anything. If I admit pain, or say that something isn't right, then there is a chance- a small chance, but that's better than *no* chance- that maybe someone will actually try to fix it.
... maybe.

So about two weeks ago, I went off of a medication that was... honestly, it's my least-favorite medicine of all. And I wasn't sleeping- like, at all- for a while. (bed 2130-2230; fall asleep 2330, wake up 0030, sleep, wake up 0200, sleep-wake-sleep-wake until 0530; decide it's not worth the agony of lying here not sleeping; get up) And something about that... I'm thinking about things differently. At some point in the middle of that, I kind of snapped, and said.... "fuck it".
I'd been seriously twisted out of shape about something- something I honestly didn't think I would be able to ever get past. I can deal with, can adjust to, wearing a prosthesis, and the piecemeal sensation I have due to my nerve damage, and the other issues I have, but I honestly didn't believe that I would be able to get over that one thing.

...

Okay, so here we are. It's now about 2 weeks after I started writing this; turns out that there was a MRSA infection in my leg, it's been cleaned out, aaand it looks like I won't be walking for at least a month. Possibly more. Yay!

Anyway, I really do apologize for not writing- things have been a little bit crazy. This leg issue has been dominating my mind since it started, and I'm now actually an admitted "in-patient" in the ward. I was admitted last Thursday afternoon. I was supposed to have an in-and-out surgery Friday, be discharged that evening, but instead I had to have a second surgery on Monday, so they've kept me here.

I'll try to write more; I just honestly keep forgetting that I started posting things on here.