Driving

So, I've realized that I haven't written a word about one of the things which has been consuming a good bit of time and effort lately:
Driving.
No, this isn't a post about how people are retarded and shouldn't be allowed to drive. (although most of them are, and they shouldn't)
This is about *me*, and *my* car, and *my* leg (or rather, the lack thereof).

See, when I learned to drive, the first car I legally drove was my mom's Honda Civic sedan, which is a 5-speed manual. It was tricky, but I picked it up and started liking it. The used car I had in high school was a 1994 BMW 325is, also a 5-speed manual, and I really loved that car.
So now, sitting here at Walter Reed and looking at what car I want to purchase, I started looking into vehicles. I was looking for something reasonably efficient, useful, but sporty and fun. I narrowed it down to the 2013 Subaru BRZ/Scion FR-S (they're the same car, really) and the 2013 Ford Focus ST.
I deliberated and argued and wasn't sure for quite a while, but I went with the Focus because it's the more well-rounded car, it's *far* better equipped, and it's more... useful. More utilitarian. I'm still tormented by the thought of 2 doors, rear-wheel drive, and the tight, small look of a Japanese sports car.... but I recently sat in an FR-S, and my legs barely fit under the steering wheel without moving them (and a manual trans requires quite a bit of movement), and it's very bare and simple inside, and while I still want the two doors and the rear-wheel drive, I'm sure that I made the right choice.
Now, the Focus ST *only* comes with a 6-speed manual transmission. No dual-clutch paddles; good, old-fashioned clutch and stick, which made me more interested in it because if they're *only* offering the manual, it's more likely to be a good transmission.
But then came the problem: my leg was severed below the knee on February 29th, 2012. (I was looking at a car around October of 2012) So I would have to be able to drive a manual with my prosthesis. Well, that's fine- except that, because I still have my right foot and I don't want to buy 2 pairs of shoes in different sizes every time I buy shoes, I wear a Size 12 (US) shoe. And my left ankle doesn't flex much- it's made of metal and carbon fiber- so I can't point my toe at all. I got in a few cars and tried, and sure enough, my left foot couldn't depress the clutch all the way (or the brake) without hitting the floor and/or the bottom of the dash. So I needed a smaller foot.
Again, I didn't want to buy 2 pairs of different-sized shoes every time I bought shoes, so I talked to my prosthetist, and between us we designed *this*:

 

Yes, that's a dark photo and it's not completely clear, but that's what I have; I'll explain:

This is a straight metal shaft which attaches at 90* to a piece of carbon fiber, which is straight for about 2", then bends to about.... I don't know, 20*? And on the bottom, he cut out and has glued the bottom of a running shoe for grip. The socket of my prosthetic leg has a piece in the bottom from which my walking foot unscrews, and this one screws in, and I can push the clutch all the way in with it.

Now, this has a few.... problems. Problems I knew to expect, but which are complicated by the sporty clutch in the Focus ST and its... odd... release. See, I still don't have an ankle, or toes, so *all* control of movement is from my knee and hip. Your knee and hip apply force in much larger motions than your ankle and toes do; as such, it's very difficult to come off of the clutch smoothly. This is, as I said, further complicated by the fact that the clutch in my car sort of "pops" out- it gives a little bit, then will hold with very little pressure, then as you continue to move your foot off of the pedal, it will suddenly come further out. To negate this, normally your ankle would act as a shock absorber and your foot would flex accordingly, making the entire motion one smooth arc.

Again, I don't have an ankle.

So this is an... interesting problem. It's tricky. I have to focus pretty hard so that I don't stall when starting- even on flat or slightly downhill grades.

All in all, I do love my car. While I do love only having 2 doors- it makes the car smaller, both in appearance and reality, and it makes it look younger and sportier- four doors is definitely useful when moving a number of people or items. It's quite comfortable inside, and I *love* the seats- the Focus ST comes with Recaro seats, and I have mine done in the top trim level, so I have a full-leather interior.

I'm not *crazy* about the Ford SYNC; it's invaluable at times while you're driving, BUT it's also very frustrating. For instance, if you say something it doesn't recognize or if you simply ask it, "What can I say?" to get a full list of menu options, the voice begins speaking... and there is no skipping it or cutting it short. Modern recorded-voice answering machines on the telephone, when they're reading your list of options, you can usually cut them off; if they say the thing you need, you can say it right then, and they'll stop talking and accept your voice. The SYNC doesn't do that. So make one mistake in what you're saying, and you get to listen to 30 seconds (I have no idea how long it really is, I just know it's way too long!!) of the automated voice saying that you've made a mistake, and you can do ___ if you like, or ____, and if you need assistance, please call _____....... it drives me insane. So that's not awesome, but I'd heard that SYNC wasn't exactly most people's favorite. I don't rely on it, I don't need it most of the time, so I just keep in mind that it's annoying and clumsy and work around that.

Anyway. I'm finished now.... I'm kind of tired of typing.

I'm *trying* to make posting on here more regular, but mostly I just post when something comes to mind to post, and that isn't every day- or even every week- so for now, I'll try to keep updating this, but it's going to be spotty.

Lost inside myself

So today, I happened across the movie "Horsemen".
I don't really like Dennis Quaid (nothing against his acting, just... I don't really like looking at him. He has an odd face) and the movie wasn't *spectacular*, but it was.... profoundly disturbing. It wasn't just a bloody slasher flick; it wasn't like the "Saw" series, although that's probably the closest thing I know of to it....
From the title, I assumed, correctly, that it was somehow about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And yes, it was. But not so much about the mythical beings of the End Times, as it was about some really disturbed, disturbing young people.

Honestly, it's not all that often that I see a movie which freaks me out. I love movies that do- anything which challenges my mind in unexpected ways is a nice treat- but very few things really surprise me. Even if I haven't thought about it before, even if I'm delighted in the way it was executed (often literally *executed*), it's not often a challenge for me to wrap my mind around something horrible, gruesome, and... I think most people would say "distasteful", "wrong", "insane".... yeah. Serial murder, torture, etc.
No. Doesn't really confound me.
And that's not in a Goth way; I'm not dressing in all-black and wearing white facepaint and writing some bad poetry about how dark my heart is. I know, this sounds kind of Goth when I talk about my mind being a scary place... and it is, I guess. But I do not associate with Goth culture, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

See, it's not that insane people's actions make *sense* to me; it's not that I agree with them. It's more that I'm not... not outraged, not disgusted, the way most people are. And again, that's not just in a "I like blood" way.It's in a "I enjoy the art of murder and death" way.greeing with the murderers; there's just something in the
I'd appreciate it if you at least call me after you tip off the cops; I'd like to make sure my room is decently clean before they show up. =) Thanks.

I see serial murders, I watch the unfolding of a sick and twisted plot- in "Horsemen", these four young people take revenge on the parents they feel have wronged them, and do so in a Biblically disturbing manner. They take on the personae of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Revelations Ch. 6) The murders are carried out in horrific fashion, designed to ensure that their victims *feel* the true pain that the perpetrators have suffered.

And I watch this, and I watch other movies our modern world loves about death and murder and insane, twisted people, and I can't help but.... admire? Just... marvel at the mind involved. I can't help but see some art, as dark and disturbed as it is, some... I don't know what. There's *something* profound in not just death, but in a ritualistic and horrific death.

Seriously, I'm not going to go kill people in my basement. I don't even have a basement. I have never engaged in, or planned to engage in, something like serial murder. I'm not expressing admiration or agreeing with the murderers; I'm just saying that I *feel* something when I see something so diabolical.
Great art is supposed to evoke emotion. It's supposed to make us think. I don't see art in hacking someone up and burying them in 30 places; I don't appreciate the thought of hacking someone into pieces, raping them, and then dumping the body in the mass grave. I'm talking specifically about when someone takes some sick, twisted, often pseudo-spiritual, plan, and carries it out in the most gruesome fashion possible.

The anime series "Psycho-Pass" had two killers who would murder their victims, and then arrange the bodies into some sort of artistic form, playing some sort of satirical angle. And it's not the irony of using dead human parts for the presentation; the *message* of the thing isn't what gets me.
It's just how... creepy it all is, I think.

Really, there's just something inside me that... thrills to it. Not in a happy way; I'm not saying that vicious murder makes me happy. But... it's like the tingle you get down your spine when you hear some really good- really *amazing*- music. Not like your favorite artist; a really deep, moving, powerful classical piece, played by a master of the art. It's that sort of feeling. The same feeling I get when I read a book and some great (usually evil) character delivers a stirring, powerful, ominous bit of oratory. That primal excitement that I get when there's a big thunderstorm coming, and the wind starts to whip around, and the trees sway back and forth. (my favorite place to be at that time: in the *top* of a pine tree)

This doesn't really have a point to it. This isn't commentary on anything in the world today. It's just me saying that, sometimes, I'm a little bit worried about myself. I like the taste of my own blood; I feel primal excitement and power when I see a carefully executed scene of apocalyptic carnage; I hold long, intense, meaningful, deep conversations with myself (not just idly talking, like everyone does; I mean serious discussion)
And on days when I don't really have much to do, I tend to wander around and get lost in my own head. It's a cool place, with lots of neat little nooks and crannies and vistas, but it's also full of some very scary, disturbing, creepy, and misunderstood... *things*. And they like to play with me- whether I want to or not.