Lost inside myself

So today, I happened across the movie "Horsemen".
I don't really like Dennis Quaid (nothing against his acting, just... I don't really like looking at him. He has an odd face) and the movie wasn't *spectacular*, but it was.... profoundly disturbing. It wasn't just a bloody slasher flick; it wasn't like the "Saw" series, although that's probably the closest thing I know of to it....
From the title, I assumed, correctly, that it was somehow about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And yes, it was. But not so much about the mythical beings of the End Times, as it was about some really disturbed, disturbing young people.

Honestly, it's not all that often that I see a movie which freaks me out. I love movies that do- anything which challenges my mind in unexpected ways is a nice treat- but very few things really surprise me. Even if I haven't thought about it before, even if I'm delighted in the way it was executed (often literally *executed*), it's not often a challenge for me to wrap my mind around something horrible, gruesome, and... I think most people would say "distasteful", "wrong", "insane".... yeah. Serial murder, torture, etc.
No. Doesn't really confound me.
And that's not in a Goth way; I'm not dressing in all-black and wearing white facepaint and writing some bad poetry about how dark my heart is. I know, this sounds kind of Goth when I talk about my mind being a scary place... and it is, I guess. But I do not associate with Goth culture, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

See, it's not that insane people's actions make *sense* to me; it's not that I agree with them. It's more that I'm not... not outraged, not disgusted, the way most people are. And again, that's not just in a "I like blood" way.It's in a "I enjoy the art of murder and death" way.greeing with the murderers; there's just something in the
I'd appreciate it if you at least call me after you tip off the cops; I'd like to make sure my room is decently clean before they show up. =) Thanks.

I see serial murders, I watch the unfolding of a sick and twisted plot- in "Horsemen", these four young people take revenge on the parents they feel have wronged them, and do so in a Biblically disturbing manner. They take on the personae of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Revelations Ch. 6) The murders are carried out in horrific fashion, designed to ensure that their victims *feel* the true pain that the perpetrators have suffered.

And I watch this, and I watch other movies our modern world loves about death and murder and insane, twisted people, and I can't help but.... admire? Just... marvel at the mind involved. I can't help but see some art, as dark and disturbed as it is, some... I don't know what. There's *something* profound in not just death, but in a ritualistic and horrific death.

Seriously, I'm not going to go kill people in my basement. I don't even have a basement. I have never engaged in, or planned to engage in, something like serial murder. I'm not expressing admiration or agreeing with the murderers; I'm just saying that I *feel* something when I see something so diabolical.
Great art is supposed to evoke emotion. It's supposed to make us think. I don't see art in hacking someone up and burying them in 30 places; I don't appreciate the thought of hacking someone into pieces, raping them, and then dumping the body in the mass grave. I'm talking specifically about when someone takes some sick, twisted, often pseudo-spiritual, plan, and carries it out in the most gruesome fashion possible.

The anime series "Psycho-Pass" had two killers who would murder their victims, and then arrange the bodies into some sort of artistic form, playing some sort of satirical angle. And it's not the irony of using dead human parts for the presentation; the *message* of the thing isn't what gets me.
It's just how... creepy it all is, I think.

Really, there's just something inside me that... thrills to it. Not in a happy way; I'm not saying that vicious murder makes me happy. But... it's like the tingle you get down your spine when you hear some really good- really *amazing*- music. Not like your favorite artist; a really deep, moving, powerful classical piece, played by a master of the art. It's that sort of feeling. The same feeling I get when I read a book and some great (usually evil) character delivers a stirring, powerful, ominous bit of oratory. That primal excitement that I get when there's a big thunderstorm coming, and the wind starts to whip around, and the trees sway back and forth. (my favorite place to be at that time: in the *top* of a pine tree)

This doesn't really have a point to it. This isn't commentary on anything in the world today. It's just me saying that, sometimes, I'm a little bit worried about myself. I like the taste of my own blood; I feel primal excitement and power when I see a carefully executed scene of apocalyptic carnage; I hold long, intense, meaningful, deep conversations with myself (not just idly talking, like everyone does; I mean serious discussion)
And on days when I don't really have much to do, I tend to wander around and get lost in my own head. It's a cool place, with lots of neat little nooks and crannies and vistas, but it's also full of some very scary, disturbing, creepy, and misunderstood... *things*. And they like to play with me- whether I want to or not.