Now, most of you reading this (if any of you are reading this) are civilians, and as such have no idea what a "boot" is. 'How is he footwear?' Let me explain: in the military, a "boot" is a new guy. This is because they are fresh out of "boot camp". Guys are generally called "boots" until they have a deployment under their belt- although one deployment is no guarantee of "salty" status. (you're called "salty" when you've been in for a little while, because when you swear a lot and the sweat dries on your clothes, it leaves behind a bit of salt- so a "salty" piece of gear is something which is, literally, salty. The term applies to anything in the military which has seen time in action)
See, I have only been through one deployment; it was on my first deployment that I got injured and landed in the hospital. I got to the hospital a 19-year-old Lance Corporal. I picked up Corporal while a patient. On my deployment, I saw no combat. I was not fired upon, did not shoot back at, didn't see anyone else shoot at anything, and saw very little 'action'. I just had horrible luck, and got blown back to the United States less than a month early.
So, I have not really been an NCO in the 'Fleet'. (NCO = Non-Commissioned Officer; 'the Fleet' = the Fleet Marine Corps; the majority of the Marine Corps, not in training, not in MOS School) As such, I often feel like I haven't earned my rank, and I'm not sure how to wear it sometimes. NCO's are the real leaders in the Corps; they are the small-unit leadership. E1 to E3 are the legwork; E6 to E9 make the decisions. E4 and E5 are NCO's, and it falls on them to make sure that the decisions made by the Staff NCO's, E6-E9, are completed by the lower Enlisted members. As such, they are generally the busiest, most-stressed people in the Marine Corps: any mistakes made by the E1-E3 fall on their shoulders, as the responsible party, and any failure to complete the orders falls on them as well. They generally sleep less, work more, and they are the ones who make things *happen*.
And I haven't been an NCO in the Fleet. I've only been an NCO in the hospital. I went from being a LCPL, following the orders I was given, to suddenly being the guy who's supposed to give orders; and I don't feel ready. If, right now, my leg grew back and my nerves healed and I was dropped in front of a platoon and told to lead them, I think I would be able to manage, but not easily. I would second-guess myself at every turn, something you can't do as a leader.
And beyond that, I'm a boot.
Sure, I have a deployment under my belt- one deployment. One, to an area with *very* little to *no* combat going on. I did jack. Shit. For six months. I feel like I didn't do my job. Well, no; I did my job. But then, the guy who sits in an office and never deploys does his job as a boot Admin clerk. I did my job as a Radio Operator; I did my *job*, but I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't win anything, didn't kill anything, didn't go anywhere, didn't do much at all. I was just supporting the other guys who were out there... not really doing anything.
This comes to a head tonight because I just had a great talk with a guy I sort-of know who's here- another Wounded Warrior. He's a Scout Sniper (translation: badass stone-cold killer MARINE) who's done *three* deployments. And it was really good to talk to him; made me remember what it was like, hanging with my boys after work, being a *Marine*. I miss that. I don't miss all the rigamarole and anal shit we had to do, but I miss being with my guys in the field.
So, I'm talking to this guy, and I'm feeling all over again just how much this sucks. He's had a full year more than me in the Marine Corps (we graduated High School the same year, but he went straight to Boot Camp; I went to college for a year) and he's had three deployments to do his job. He's done his job; he knew what he was there to do. When you're in combat, sure, you might think, "Why am I killing this guy?" but when you're there, and there's no one there to kill, but you're standing there with a rifle and a few thousand dollars' worth of gear on your body, all designed to save you and kill them, you ask yourself: "Why the fuck am I here?"
So, I'm a Corporal with a Combat Action Ribbon and a full deployment under my belt and 2 1/2 years in the Corps (hit my 1-year mark in Afghanistan, and my 2-year mark in the hospital...) and I haven't seen combat, haven't had to shoot anyone, have never been shot at, haven't seen anyone die, haven't known anyone who died in combat........
So I ask myself, constantly: Why am I here? What did this accomplish? What was the point? What did I do? I'm supposed to be a leader, but I knew PFC's with more *combat* experience than I have today. I don't like this.
I enlisted in the Marine Corps- specifically the Marine Corps- because I wanted to go into combat. I wanted to see, hear, feel, learn about, experience, and understand to some extent what people go through when they gace combat. I wanted to know what vets stare at that's 1,000 yards away. I want to know what it is about combat that you can't explain to someone who has never been there.
Instead, I got pushed through a whole deployment without any combat. I made NCO and still don't have the experience to back it up. I feel like a fraud most of the time, and I really don't like it.
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