I don't really like writing about my pain. I feel like I'm whining, or fishing for sympathy. But then, since I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, maybe I'm not really...
Plus, while I don't really like writing about it, I *really* don't like *having* the pain. And when it's been a while since I've written, and I go for a sort of stream-of-consciousness, it tends to bubble to the surface.
It's hard to deal with.
The pain isn't excruciating in and of itself. In hospitals, they use a "0-10" pain scale; if you go to a provider with complaint about pain, they'll always ask you where it falls on that scale. I hate the scale, because they say "0 is 'no pain', and 10 is 'the worst pain you can imagine'." Well, the worst pain I can imagine.... Okay, imagine if your entire body spontaneously combusted at the same moment you swallowed a mouthful of hydrochloric acid; take a snapshot of the exact moment the pain first hits your brain, before any of the nerve endings have had time to dissolve or burn away. *That* is about the worst pain I can imagine.
But whenever they ask me, and I say, "Um, let's say... 3?" they, subconsciously or consciously, dismiss it somewhat. So I've had to adjust what I say, because when they say "the worst pain you can imagine," they don't really mean it. They mean, "the worst pain you can imagine, within normal reason." Maybe breaking a leg. (I've never broken my leg- oh, wait, I did, but I don't remember what it felt like- so I don't know what that's really like) So I say "Um... maybe a 4?" while clenching my teeth and furiously massaging my leg, and they look at me funny.
But honestly, it's not the pain in itself. I've suffered worse pain than this. A momentary snapshot at the peak of a bad surge of the nerve pain isn't as bad as a snapshot of several other moments in my life. This, I can deal with.
What's hard to deal with- and I mean: *HARD* to deal with- is having it constantly. Knowing that, if you sit down with the intention of relaxing and letting your stress just melt away, you're only going to be able to do part of that: you can sit down, but relax? Yeah. Fucking. Right. Not happening, bitch, because this? This is motherfucking *game*time*!
So you sit down, and just when you're easing into the chair, *BAM*!! And you jerk and hold your leg and your body seizes up, and you rub and massage it, and you hiss and curse and bite down and screw your eyes up and can't really talk for a moment.
Nerve pain doesn't relate to "real" pain. At least, what I have doesn't- I have reason to believe that this isn't what most people experience. Not because I think I'm special; just because I can't imagine people really going through a normal day with this pain and not doing what I do every so often: seize up, freeze, tense, and wait for it to pass before trying to do anything.
When I lie in bed now, I lie in a figure-4 position; my right leg is sideways, and bent at the knee so that my foot rests on my residual left leg below its knee. I do this because with that foot, I constantly massage and rub my leg. It doesn't make any goddamn bit of a fucking difference, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Just like hiding under your blanket doesn't make you safe, but it makes you *feel* safe. Except that in this case, you're stubbornly clutching the blankets around your head even as the monster drags your weak ass out and eats you, piece by piece, leisurely. Because rubbing doesn't help. It doesn't. Fucking. Help.=
Often, when you have a highly uncomfortable pain- like this nerve pain- just some kind of crawly, tingling, sharp pain- you tend to tense something unrelated. You flex and clench something repeatedly- for most people, it's their fingers. You grip something tightly; you flex your hands open and closed. Random things that react because your body is tense. For me, with this pain- I've never done this before, but now I do- I flex my toes. I mean, my whole body will react if it's a bad surge of pain, but my foot is constantly working. I might not visually react, might not clench my teeth and ball up and grip my leg like I do when it's bad, but I'm still getting pain, and my body wants to react to it somehow. Well, since I'm usually wearing a shoe and whatever healthcare provider or family member or friend or whomever can't see inside of my shoes, I tend to flex my right foot. Specifically, I cross my big toe over the second toe and bear down, usually making the big toe slide over it until the finger kind of flicks out like a spring.
Okay, here's an better description you might be able to understand: You know when you get some uncomfortable pain, and your toes curl? Pain, pleasure, horrible noises, etc.; your toes curl. My toes curl and flex and strain while this pain crawls through my leg. And my big toe tends to curl on top of the second toe. That's all.
So, since I have this pain constantly, I do that a LOT. And recently, it was an issue, because I did it so much that I literally created a blister on the top of my second toe. I didn't notice the blister until it hurt because I'd opened it by curling my toes again and again and again.... So I had a raw, open, circular patch of skin on my toe for a few days. (I just noticed yesterday that it has closed)
It's hard to know that it's going to hurt. It's hard to go through day after day of this. Just constantly this weird, crawling, electric-shock-cum-hand-fallen-asleep-tingling stabbing into your leg. I keep saying "crawling" to describe it- because that's kind of what it feels like. Picture a movie where there are some nasty arachnid things; that clicking/skittering noise they make when they walk? Yeah; picture that as a physical sensation, instead of an audible sound. That, in electric-shock/tingling/stabbing. It's.... 'icky' and unpleasant. And it fucking sucks.
Constantly.
When your alarm goes off, you roll over, turn it off, and it hits you.
When you get dressed, it bugs you.
While you shave and brush your teeth, it keeps interrupting.
Eating breakfast with breaks every so often as it surges randomly, and you can't keep eating with both hands clenching your leg. (again, not because it helps- because you want it to help)
Sitting down, playing a video game, just trying to relax and let the day's stress drain away... while pausing the game a few times because you can't focus through the pain; your fingers are tense and jerky because your whole body is tense.
I don't know why it doesn't stop me from driving. I've had small surges hit while I'm driving, but never so bad that I couldn't keep driving relatively easily, and they happen less often. For a while, I thought that it must just be that I have to distract myself; I have to be so engaged in something that my mind isn't free to make up some pain. But no, because I can't find anything which will consistently do that: video games, movies, TV shows, books, card games, board games, studying, working out, walking, lying still, meditation, controlled breathing, audio "hypnosis" tracks, those tracks in conjunction with controlled breathing techniques........ Nope.
It's not something I can push through. This isn't normal pain. Normal pain you can ignore. You *can* get through pain. If it's just pain, not a message that something is wrong, you can keep going. If, for instance, your leg just hurts, you can run on it. If the pain in your leg is telling you that it's broken, or that you tore your ACL, then no, you can't really ignore it and keep going. Well, you kind of can, but it's better not to.
I can't claim to be immune to pain, but I think I can tell the difference. Ten years of playing soccer, doing Tae Kwon Do for four years, going through Boot Camp and MCT, spending time around Marines as a Marine; I think I can tell when I'm *hurt*, vs. when I'm *injured*.
This, I can't ignore. It doesn't matter what I'm doing- it's not like I can take weight off of it and it will stop, like you would with a sprained ankle. It doesn't change. There isn't anything I know of which stops it.
Okay, I think I've whined enough. I could keep writing for an hour or so, but this pain hasn't changed, and I'm tired of just sitting here while my legs dance and flex and my toes curl and I try really hard to just keep typing.
Fuck.
This.
Shit.
Goddamn, I'm tired of this.
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