So, this is just a really short post. I know, it's been *forever* since I posted anything; but I had something to say.
I fucking hate Romantic Comedies.
NOT because I'm a guy, and guys hate mushy shit unless they're gay. I have 3 sisters and mostly female cousins and aunts and my family is generally a matriarchy; as such, I've gotten very used to watching 'chick-flicks' and RomComs over the years. Back in high school, I established that I had seen more chick-flicks than either of my two best friends- both of whom were female.
So no, it's not because they're gushy and mushy and lovey-dovey. Yes, that annoys me. But that's not what I'm ranting about right now.
I hate them because RomComs tell you that so long as you're a good guy, if you're the *right* guy, it doesn't matter if you're the wrong age ("The Rebound"), or if you've had way more sex than the girl and continue to regularly fuck around the time you're with "the" girl ("No Strings Attached", "Californication" [admittedly not a chick-flick]), or if you live on opposite ends of the earth (take your pick), or life just doesn't like either of you and you can't seem to get together (anything with one person in the military), or if you're the wrong gender, even ("Saving Face", "Imagine Me and You", "I Can't Think Straight"), or... anything. Nope. If you're the right person, and you want her, then it WILL happen. No question. It WILL.
But no. No, it doesn't. Nope.
I had a girlfriend I loved deeply, and I still care for her a great deal. And she stayed with me while I went off to Boot Camp, and then MCT and Comm School, and then when I deployed, and was with me and took her own time and money from her *crazy* schedule to come down from New York to Maryland to see me, unconscious and/or out of my fucking mind on drugs, just to be there. And then I, being high as a motherfucking kite and confused (for about two months, I would have sworn on a Bible that I was dreaming), I broke up with her and then, slowly coming out of the haze of Ketamine and God-and-Satan-know-what-all-else, I kept fucking shit up and she was hurt and she was finished wit me.
Then followed about a year and a half of pain and exhaustion and depression and loneliness. I was alone, day in and day out, at Walter Reed. Yes, I had and still have an amazing "support system", what with my family and my guys in the Corps and everyone was there to talk if I ever needed it. But I felt alone. There was no one to whom I was honestly close; not like that. There is a huge difference between your parents, who love you dearly and whom you (hopefully) love back, or your siblings you've known your whole life who care for you and whom you depend on, and someone who isn't related to you but with whom you share yourself. Maybe you don't tell them everything; but you're *close*. Not physically, maybe, but emotionally to form a connection with someone who's outside of normal, assumed connections? That means quite a lot. (at least, it does to me)
So I, somehow, in the *last* place I ever expected to, did that. I found someone who needed help, needed support, needed that intimacy; and they were uniquely able to understand my position and to help me a great deal with what I needed help with. They saved me from a really deep, dark hole of depression and loneliness and sadness and.... just, a bad place. I could focus on something else.
But now, that's over.
Well.......... Like I said, there's a *huge* difference between a "friend" and a "more-than-friend"/"girlfriend". She's still a great friend; but there's still that deeper, more personal connection which isn't there. I can't curl up and hold her all night long anymore. And that changes everything.
So now, after a few months of chaos and noise and things to be done almost all day, now..... I'm by myself again. Now, I'm in an apartment with a 26-year old who works *early* in the morning and gets back late- *if* he gets back, because he has a serious girlfriend with whom he often stays- so it's me and Zeus, my puppy, all day. And it's so fucking quiet. And I'm starting to remember just how I got into that depressed, do-nothing, deadened hole I was in before. There's nothing really to distract me. Sure, I can read; I can walk outside (some); I can watch something, clean my room, etc. But in the end, it's still just me. No one is there to help; no one is there to help me;
Anyway. I'm falling asleep, so I'm finished.
for now...
-ADJ
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
So, in other news...
.... I am probably the youngest retired person most of you will ever read a post by.
Yes, my friends, I am officially retired. I'm set to get Social Security payments soon. I am fucking RETIRED.
NOT "separated from service"; RETIRED. There's a HUGE difference.
For instance, although I've only been in the Corps for three years, I get my full GI Bill. I get the benefits 'old' retirees get for health insurance and such- they just have to serve for 20 years to get that.
I still want to be active and healthy and all... but seriously, I am so glad to not *have* to wake up at a certain time.No uniform regulations- not even civilian wear. I no longer have to worry about what's 'appropriate' or PC or whatthefuckever they want.
I'm kind of glad that the Commandant is looking like he'll be forced to be retired. 11+ top brass have filed suit and charges against him- abusing power and privilege, being a general dick, being a dumbass, etc. I have NO arguments to keep the man in- even as a POG myself, I was astonished that this... this fucking *winger* was even allowed to take command of the Marine Corps.
And while for a while, I tried really hard to accept it, and not be anti-CMC just because he's a POG... but then, the rules started changing. Hey, I'm on board with getting rid of actual *hazing*; the shit guys I know went through before I even enlisted, it's just stupid. But being rough, or mean, while you're training someone? Oh, right, because when rounds are flying overhead and grenades are coming through the windows and shells are landing all around you, you're going to have someone politely asking you to do your job well; the enemy always gives you advance notice before they attack at 0200; a quiet, firm voice is all that's needed to be heard over the chaos of combat. Right?
WRONG.
Fuck that shit. I, and the guys who were with me in the Fleet, we got trained. Sometimes, we got *trained*, but that never lasted long because someone would cry 'foul'. But honestly, I can't even say that when our senior Marines were pissed and fucking with us and making us do dumb shit, that wasn't hazing. No, that was enforcing correct behavior and punishing the wrong. We knew that mistakes cost us, and that we had to work seriously hard to get shit done right.
"Group pain promotes discipline."
I can't tell you how many times we said that in Boot Camp. Now, that's probably considered hazing, because it's mean and promotes violence. BITCH, THIS IS THE FUCKING MILITARY. This is what we *do*.
My boys, the ones who graduated Comm School with me, they now have boots. And grand-boots (boots of the boots of their boots) Their original boots are now Corporals. And their new fucking boots..... holy shit. They aren't allowed to call them "boots". They can't swear at them- call them "bitches", or "fags", or.... yeah. Dog, I tell you, I don't think our Corporals knew any of our names for a few weeks- it was "hey, bitch! Get the *fuck* over here!" or, "Yeah right, fuckhead, are you really that fucking retarded?!" And so on. And on. And on...
What the fuck. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This is the goddamn Marine Corps we're talking about here. Marines are *supposed* to be hardcore, cold-eyed, badass stone-cold motherfuckers. The tattoo policy- really?! No. No. See, fucking Marines are supposed to be badass motherfucking hardcore killers in the field, and then put on their uniform and be clean and pressed and shiny. The best shit about Marines is that you can pull up the sleeve of their dress blues, and find some seriously fucked-up, twisted tattoos mixed in with scars from godawful shitholes in the world. Marines are professional *killers*; not a professional marching band.
Yes, my friends, I am officially retired. I'm set to get Social Security payments soon. I am fucking RETIRED.
NOT "separated from service"; RETIRED. There's a HUGE difference.
For instance, although I've only been in the Corps for three years, I get my full GI Bill. I get the benefits 'old' retirees get for health insurance and such- they just have to serve for 20 years to get that.
I still want to be active and healthy and all... but seriously, I am so glad to not *have* to wake up at a certain time.No uniform regulations- not even civilian wear. I no longer have to worry about what's 'appropriate' or PC or whatthefuckever they want.
I'm kind of glad that the Commandant is looking like he'll be forced to be retired. 11+ top brass have filed suit and charges against him- abusing power and privilege, being a general dick, being a dumbass, etc. I have NO arguments to keep the man in- even as a POG myself, I was astonished that this... this fucking *winger* was even allowed to take command of the Marine Corps.
And while for a while, I tried really hard to accept it, and not be anti-CMC just because he's a POG... but then, the rules started changing. Hey, I'm on board with getting rid of actual *hazing*; the shit guys I know went through before I even enlisted, it's just stupid. But being rough, or mean, while you're training someone? Oh, right, because when rounds are flying overhead and grenades are coming through the windows and shells are landing all around you, you're going to have someone politely asking you to do your job well; the enemy always gives you advance notice before they attack at 0200; a quiet, firm voice is all that's needed to be heard over the chaos of combat. Right?
WRONG.
Fuck that shit. I, and the guys who were with me in the Fleet, we got trained. Sometimes, we got *trained*, but that never lasted long because someone would cry 'foul'. But honestly, I can't even say that when our senior Marines were pissed and fucking with us and making us do dumb shit, that wasn't hazing. No, that was enforcing correct behavior and punishing the wrong. We knew that mistakes cost us, and that we had to work seriously hard to get shit done right.
"Group pain promotes discipline."
I can't tell you how many times we said that in Boot Camp. Now, that's probably considered hazing, because it's mean and promotes violence. BITCH, THIS IS THE FUCKING MILITARY. This is what we *do*.
My boys, the ones who graduated Comm School with me, they now have boots. And grand-boots (boots of the boots of their boots) Their original boots are now Corporals. And their new fucking boots..... holy shit. They aren't allowed to call them "boots". They can't swear at them- call them "bitches", or "fags", or.... yeah. Dog, I tell you, I don't think our Corporals knew any of our names for a few weeks- it was "hey, bitch! Get the *fuck* over here!" or, "Yeah right, fuckhead, are you really that fucking retarded?!" And so on. And on. And on...
What the fuck. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This is the goddamn Marine Corps we're talking about here. Marines are *supposed* to be hardcore, cold-eyed, badass stone-cold motherfuckers. The tattoo policy- really?! No. No. See, fucking Marines are supposed to be badass motherfucking hardcore killers in the field, and then put on their uniform and be clean and pressed and shiny. The best shit about Marines is that you can pull up the sleeve of their dress blues, and find some seriously fucked-up, twisted tattoos mixed in with scars from godawful shitholes in the world. Marines are professional *killers*; not a professional marching band.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Hey
Soooo, it's been a while.
And now, I'm going to reenter this blogging business after a long hiatus with a really, *really* controversial, inflammatory, ridiculous topic: Amanda Todd.
For those of you who don't know, Amanda Todd was a 15-year old Canadian girl who committed suicide on October 10, 2012.
To be honest, I didn't know until... just a little while ago. I vaguely recall a story, or more likely stories, about a girl who had killed herself following some extreme internet bullying, but couldn't have told you her name or any details. Well, I've just spent a few minutes looking this up... so I am NOT going to be speaking from an expert's point of view. I'm not going to go in-depth on this particular story; I will use Amanda's story to guide the monologue, but only because my thoughts need a vehicle. I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT ON HER INDIVIDUALLY; this is about how I feel on several topics which are raised herein.
Oh, also: everything I saw about her
OK; well, maybe that helped, but I'm sure I'll still catch *HELL* for this post.... but whatever.
Now, Amanda's story begins chronologically when she appeared on "BlogTV", a webcam chat site used primarily by teens and young adults. She appeared several times and apparently several people commented on her looks/appearance/appeal/etc. It was around this time that some male persuaded her to flash her breasts, on a live cam with total strangers on the Internet.
Now, stop right fucking there: you don't know anyone you're talking to, and they convince you to flash the camera. Either you're a total idiot these days, or you know full well that someone almost certainly is recording the show.
Oh, it's worth mentioning that she was, what, thirteen? at this time.
So some time passes, I believe she continued on the site (BlogTV) and she was, apparently, scolded/warned/suspended several times for her appearance (sexy, nearly-nude, etc) in her shows- presumably alarms were set off specifically because she was so young. And then, from out of nowhere, she is contacted by some unnamed person who demands that she give some private shows for him, or he'll post the topless pictures of her all over the internet. She doesn't comply, because that would be stupid, and soon the police inform her that her topless pictures have indeed surfaced and are making rounds on the internet. People at her school go crazy and start harassing her, so she changes schools. She goes into depression, anxiety, has panic attacks, etc. over all of this.
And Amanda, I believe, ends up giving in to this stranger and performs for him- possibly more than once- and he continues to blackmail her with images of the shows.
I'm not sure of the chronology here, but during this time she goes over to a male friend's house while his girlfriend was on vacation and she fucks him. Oh, and he's also underage. So, here we have the traumatized girl getting a guy to cheat with her. And when Girlfriend returns, she and some other girls gang up on Amanda and beat her down. OK, yeah, well, she fucked her boyfriend and teenagers are high-strung, sensitive motherfuckers.
But coupled with the stress from being blackmailed, and the depression and anxiety and all, Amanda decides she just can't take it and *drinks*bleach* to kill herself. She gets her stomach pumped and lives, but the 'bullying' and blackmail continue; she changes schools again, but more bullying and blackmail and whatever (I don't really care about details at this point; the point is, the shit from before continues)
And then she hangs herself.
OK, so let's recap:
(this is where a lot of you are going to get pissed)
UNDERAGE girl flashes on webcam to STRANGERS; *somehow*, she gets blackmailed (who woulda thunk?!) and the image comes out. Police contact her about it; fiasco ensues. So she changes schools.
Her parents cut off her internet and don't let her be by herself and make sure she's cared for and monitored and- oh, wait. Wait. No, no, none of that happened. Well, everyone makes mistakes. Sure. But aren't parents supposed to protect their children and help them learn from mistakes? Not go, "Oh, well, that was awful; hope you don't do it again! See ya later!"?!
So, more blackmail and bullying and slut-shaming and such continue, because nothing's changed and no adults are doing anything they, as fucking responsible adults, are supposed to fucking do.
She goes and fucks a friend, who she knows to be involved with another girl, and gets her comeuppance (note, I did NOT say her 'just desserts' or anything; it's not my place to decide what's right for everyone) when this other girl gets some friends in a posse and beats the shit out of her. Now, faced with how horrible her situation is (guy blackmailing her for something she did voluntarily, girl angry at her for fucking girl's boyfriend voluntarily, stress from new school- result of her blackmail, from a voluntary action) she tries to kill herself.
So, she gets saved in the nick of time, and... ok, *this* is the part where her parents, seeing that this clearly is a pretty major thing and that she's going through some awful shit, step in and help to separate her from the situation, and the police are contacted and they come and keep this online blackmailer guy away and-
Oh, what's that? That's what happens when people are somewhat, almost, in some little way, intelligent? Oh, well, that's definitely NOT what happened here, then!
No, her parents shuck her off to another different school, and she goes to classes there... and everything happens all over again. The guy blackmails her, her classmates find out what she's been up to, etc etc etc etc.... and she hangs herself.
Now, this is NOT a post about how horrible internet bullies are, and how terrible her situation was, and how innocent she was and how it was horrible how he abused and coerced and forced her. Teh Internets are FULL of people saying that, and saying the opposite, and arguing over that. No, this post is about how FUCKING RETARDED PEOPLE ARE.
As I said in that long story-telling: where were her parents?!?!?! Where was ANY adult, or even another kid, to help her out? Where were the authorities, whose job it is to protect the people and keep shit like this from happening?! They show up, say "nude pics of underage girl, BAD." and then... leave?? Where'd they go? No one said, "Hmm, she says she's being blackmailed- maybe we should look into this creep who's blackmailing this underage girl into doing nasty shit by releasing naked pictures of her- the underage chick- onto the internet!"
OK. Yes, it's sad.
I don't understand, though, how his releasing naked pics of her got her to go online and give him a lot more shots of her naked and doing things to then release to whomever he pleased. I honestly don't get it. Why not just say "NO," tell someone who could do something about it, and go about life? OK, he did release the picture and she was being 'slut-shamed' at school for it... Again, I don't get it. Yes, that's bad. Does it make you want to kill yourself, because there's clearly no way out? Um, NO. There are MANY ways out, NONE of which I can tell she availed herself of! Nowhere have I seen mention of any police hunt for this mystery guy; nowhere have I read about how she bravely stood up to the bullying and shaming. NOWHERE did I hear about her PARENTS- sorry, her "parents", her so-called parents who didn't parent her- taking her and homeschooling her to avoid this stress and shit.
WHAT
THE
FUCK
JUST
HAPPENED?!
And now, I'm going to reenter this blogging business after a long hiatus with a really, *really* controversial, inflammatory, ridiculous topic: Amanda Todd.
For those of you who don't know, Amanda Todd was a 15-year old Canadian girl who committed suicide on October 10, 2012.
To be honest, I didn't know until... just a little while ago. I vaguely recall a story, or more likely stories, about a girl who had killed herself following some extreme internet bullying, but couldn't have told you her name or any details. Well, I've just spent a few minutes looking this up... so I am NOT going to be speaking from an expert's point of view. I'm not going to go in-depth on this particular story; I will use Amanda's story to guide the monologue, but only because my thoughts need a vehicle. I AM NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT ON HER INDIVIDUALLY; this is about how I feel on several topics which are raised herein.
Oh, also: everything I saw about her
OK; well, maybe that helped, but I'm sure I'll still catch *HELL* for this post.... but whatever.
Now, Amanda's story begins chronologically when she appeared on "BlogTV", a webcam chat site used primarily by teens and young adults. She appeared several times and apparently several people commented on her looks/appearance/appeal/etc. It was around this time that some male persuaded her to flash her breasts, on a live cam with total strangers on the Internet.
Now, stop right fucking there: you don't know anyone you're talking to, and they convince you to flash the camera. Either you're a total idiot these days, or you know full well that someone almost certainly is recording the show.
Oh, it's worth mentioning that she was, what, thirteen? at this time.
So some time passes, I believe she continued on the site (BlogTV) and she was, apparently, scolded/warned/suspended several times for her appearance (sexy, nearly-nude, etc) in her shows- presumably alarms were set off specifically because she was so young. And then, from out of nowhere, she is contacted by some unnamed person who demands that she give some private shows for him, or he'll post the topless pictures of her all over the internet. She doesn't comply, because that would be stupid, and soon the police inform her that her topless pictures have indeed surfaced and are making rounds on the internet. People at her school go crazy and start harassing her, so she changes schools. She goes into depression, anxiety, has panic attacks, etc. over all of this.
And Amanda, I believe, ends up giving in to this stranger and performs for him- possibly more than once- and he continues to blackmail her with images of the shows.
I'm not sure of the chronology here, but during this time she goes over to a male friend's house while his girlfriend was on vacation and she fucks him. Oh, and he's also underage. So, here we have the traumatized girl getting a guy to cheat with her. And when Girlfriend returns, she and some other girls gang up on Amanda and beat her down. OK, yeah, well, she fucked her boyfriend and teenagers are high-strung, sensitive motherfuckers.
But coupled with the stress from being blackmailed, and the depression and anxiety and all, Amanda decides she just can't take it and *drinks*bleach* to kill herself. She gets her stomach pumped and lives, but the 'bullying' and blackmail continue; she changes schools again, but more bullying and blackmail and whatever (I don't really care about details at this point; the point is, the shit from before continues)
And then she hangs herself.
OK, so let's recap:
(this is where a lot of you are going to get pissed)
UNDERAGE girl flashes on webcam to STRANGERS; *somehow*, she gets blackmailed (who woulda thunk?!) and the image comes out. Police contact her about it; fiasco ensues. So she changes schools.
Her parents cut off her internet and don't let her be by herself and make sure she's cared for and monitored and- oh, wait. Wait. No, no, none of that happened. Well, everyone makes mistakes. Sure. But aren't parents supposed to protect their children and help them learn from mistakes? Not go, "Oh, well, that was awful; hope you don't do it again! See ya later!"?!
So, more blackmail and bullying and slut-shaming and such continue, because nothing's changed and no adults are doing anything they, as fucking responsible adults, are supposed to fucking do.
She goes and fucks a friend, who she knows to be involved with another girl, and gets her comeuppance (note, I did NOT say her 'just desserts' or anything; it's not my place to decide what's right for everyone) when this other girl gets some friends in a posse and beats the shit out of her. Now, faced with how horrible her situation is (guy blackmailing her for something she did voluntarily, girl angry at her for fucking girl's boyfriend voluntarily, stress from new school- result of her blackmail, from a voluntary action) she tries to kill herself.
So, she gets saved in the nick of time, and... ok, *this* is the part where her parents, seeing that this clearly is a pretty major thing and that she's going through some awful shit, step in and help to separate her from the situation, and the police are contacted and they come and keep this online blackmailer guy away and-
Oh, what's that? That's what happens when people are somewhat, almost, in some little way, intelligent? Oh, well, that's definitely NOT what happened here, then!
No, her parents shuck her off to another different school, and she goes to classes there... and everything happens all over again. The guy blackmails her, her classmates find out what she's been up to, etc etc etc etc.... and she hangs herself.
Now, this is NOT a post about how horrible internet bullies are, and how terrible her situation was, and how innocent she was and how it was horrible how he abused and coerced and forced her. Teh Internets are FULL of people saying that, and saying the opposite, and arguing over that. No, this post is about how FUCKING RETARDED PEOPLE ARE.
As I said in that long story-telling: where were her parents?!?!?! Where was ANY adult, or even another kid, to help her out? Where were the authorities, whose job it is to protect the people and keep shit like this from happening?! They show up, say "nude pics of underage girl, BAD." and then... leave?? Where'd they go? No one said, "Hmm, she says she's being blackmailed- maybe we should look into this creep who's blackmailing this underage girl into doing nasty shit by releasing naked pictures of her- the underage chick- onto the internet!"
OK. Yes, it's sad.
I don't understand, though, how his releasing naked pics of her got her to go online and give him a lot more shots of her naked and doing things to then release to whomever he pleased. I honestly don't get it. Why not just say "NO," tell someone who could do something about it, and go about life? OK, he did release the picture and she was being 'slut-shamed' at school for it... Again, I don't get it. Yes, that's bad. Does it make you want to kill yourself, because there's clearly no way out? Um, NO. There are MANY ways out, NONE of which I can tell she availed herself of! Nowhere have I seen mention of any police hunt for this mystery guy; nowhere have I read about how she bravely stood up to the bullying and shaming. NOWHERE did I hear about her PARENTS- sorry, her "parents", her so-called parents who didn't parent her- taking her and homeschooling her to avoid this stress and shit.
WHAT
THE
FUCK
JUST
HAPPENED?!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Syria (because that's the only thing that's on my mind right now which I can share with you)
So once again, the United States of America is going to do what all the rest of the world thinks is necessary... but which NONE of them want to do themselves.
At least, that's what our own government is saying. I've heard many, many politicians who are 'for' blowing up Syria say that "it's a UN decision, many countries are for it, we have international support....' But I can't help but note that I haven't seen a single one of those "supportive" countries do anything.
Any
Goddamn
Thing.
Nope.
It bothers me greatly that the use of chemical weapons is the catalyst for the situation. Yes, I understand that chemical agents have a devastating spread and a small amount can massacre a country and blah blah. I get why chemical weapons are so bad. What I don't get is that, apparently, it's totally OK to slaughter a hundred thousand innocent people- and I'm *sure* that there were a LOT of children in that number!- so long as you use conventional weapons. (i.e. if Assad had literally curb-stomped 100,000 people in the streets, including women and children, the world would have kept saying, "Oh, that's terrible! No, no, no, you really shouldn't do that!" And then we (Americans, at least) would have gone back to our cheeseburgers and fries and soda and cars and etc. But because he used- ALLEGEDLY used, mind you- a chemical weapon to *also* kill about 1,400 people, *that* is barbaric and inhumane and unacceptable and we *have* to stop this, NOW!
Because, again, killing thousands of innocent people is completely OK, so long as you only use conventional methods to do so. Because we like our homicide victims not to pollute the ground when they're buried in mass graves, you know? So messy- where will we grow our special organic foods?!
>>> took a break, continued 20130916 (the next week)<<<
OK, so now, Russia is saying that they're going to broker the handover of all of Syria's chemical weapons. That's......... interesting. Odd. But whatever.
Here's my thing: (or at least, one of my things) People are saying that Russia's been Syria's only real ally, that Pres Putin has been the only person supporting Al-Assad all along. So.... seriously?!
1. What does it take for you to support someone while they're committing genocide? "Yeah, buddy, it's been a while; how have you been?... Oh, got another thousand down? You get 'em, tiger! I'm right here for you!" WTF??
2. WHY are we trusting the guy who has been doing that all along??? We're putting the fate of these chemical weapons in the hands of the only international leader who has been known as an ally all along. I'd say that that indicates that Russia doesn't really give a shit where these weapons go, and that they have no special desire to see them removed from Al-Assad's hands..... so, why are we asking them to do this for us?
3. Russia keeps saying that they want the US to remove all threat of a military strike, to remove that pressure. OK, but how do we know it'll happen? Oh, it's not fair for us to hold a gun to your head while we ask you to put down your weapons? Well, if we put down our gun, what says you're not going to ignore us? The threat of military strike is the only thing which got anyone else to the table to discuss this. So why would we stand down before they do?
BTW, when I say "Russia" and "Syria", I don't mean to generalize all Russians or Syrians. I basically just mean the leaders of those countries, and their government. I don't know if Russian citizens are necessarily for or against Syria's actions.
Anyway, this has been a kind-of rambling, random post.... but I'm finished now. I'll TRY to get on more frequently (how many times have I said that shit now?) and until then........
At least, that's what our own government is saying. I've heard many, many politicians who are 'for' blowing up Syria say that "it's a UN decision, many countries are for it, we have international support....' But I can't help but note that I haven't seen a single one of those "supportive" countries do anything.
Any
Goddamn
Thing.
Nope.
It bothers me greatly that the use of chemical weapons is the catalyst for the situation. Yes, I understand that chemical agents have a devastating spread and a small amount can massacre a country and blah blah. I get why chemical weapons are so bad. What I don't get is that, apparently, it's totally OK to slaughter a hundred thousand innocent people- and I'm *sure* that there were a LOT of children in that number!- so long as you use conventional weapons. (i.e. if Assad had literally curb-stomped 100,000 people in the streets, including women and children, the world would have kept saying, "Oh, that's terrible! No, no, no, you really shouldn't do that!" And then we (Americans, at least) would have gone back to our cheeseburgers and fries and soda and cars and etc. But because he used- ALLEGEDLY used, mind you- a chemical weapon to *also* kill about 1,400 people, *that* is barbaric and inhumane and unacceptable and we *have* to stop this, NOW!
Because, again, killing thousands of innocent people is completely OK, so long as you only use conventional methods to do so. Because we like our homicide victims not to pollute the ground when they're buried in mass graves, you know? So messy- where will we grow our special organic foods?!
>>> took a break, continued 20130916 (the next week)<<<
OK, so now, Russia is saying that they're going to broker the handover of all of Syria's chemical weapons. That's......... interesting. Odd. But whatever.
Here's my thing: (or at least, one of my things) People are saying that Russia's been Syria's only real ally, that Pres Putin has been the only person supporting Al-Assad all along. So.... seriously?!
1. What does it take for you to support someone while they're committing genocide? "Yeah, buddy, it's been a while; how have you been?... Oh, got another thousand down? You get 'em, tiger! I'm right here for you!" WTF??
2. WHY are we trusting the guy who has been doing that all along??? We're putting the fate of these chemical weapons in the hands of the only international leader who has been known as an ally all along. I'd say that that indicates that Russia doesn't really give a shit where these weapons go, and that they have no special desire to see them removed from Al-Assad's hands..... so, why are we asking them to do this for us?
3. Russia keeps saying that they want the US to remove all threat of a military strike, to remove that pressure. OK, but how do we know it'll happen? Oh, it's not fair for us to hold a gun to your head while we ask you to put down your weapons? Well, if we put down our gun, what says you're not going to ignore us? The threat of military strike is the only thing which got anyone else to the table to discuss this. So why would we stand down before they do?
BTW, when I say "Russia" and "Syria", I don't mean to generalize all Russians or Syrians. I basically just mean the leaders of those countries, and their government. I don't know if Russian citizens are necessarily for or against Syria's actions.
Anyway, this has been a kind-of rambling, random post.... but I'm finished now. I'll TRY to get on more frequently (how many times have I said that shit now?) and until then........
Monday, August 12, 2013
Apologies
My sincerest apologies, avid readers; I have been egregiously lax in publication of my inane, insane thoughts for your perusal, and I'm sure I have most deeply upset you by it.
Anyway.
I would really like to get high. Not "HIGH!!" like, baked-out-of-your-mind, eating-cat-food, totally useless for the next few hours, "high"; just a little high. Just a buzz. Just enough that my leg might just stop hurting for a little while, you know?
But, no. Nope. Because marijuana is a very dangerous, illegal, detrimental substance which we must control very tightly and we will JAIL anyone who sells or uses it!!
Right. Except it really isn't.
Yes, it has an effect on brain development; it isn't recommended for adolescents or younger persons. And that's so dangerous, we must remove all traces of it from the street so that it doesn't fall into the hands of our poor, innocent young children!
Because alcohol isn't dangerous. It isn't detrimental to the brain, and if it were, it's impossible for young people to get their hands on it, right? Neither are cigarettes, which you can legally buy at 18 years old. And narcotics? No, narcotics are *totally* safe- there aren't clinics across the goddamn country to deal with narcotic addicts. There aren't hundreds, if not thousands, of cases of wrongful death in this country. If someone *died* from accidental narcotic overdose every, say, *nineteen*fucking*minutes*, we would absolutely have those drugs removed and banned from all hospitals and pharmacies nationwide, right? Only dangerous druggies would take them, because they just want to get high!
Right. Not so much.
http://loiter.co/v/cnns-weed-documentary-follows-dr-sanjay-guptas-rev/
I like this documentary. It's simple, effective, it isn't biased heavily on either side, and it's realistic.
And with that, I'm going to end.
Oh- I'm having LASIK tomorrow!! For anyone who doesn't know: My eyes are TERRIBLE. I have to hold my watch up to my face- like, five inches away- to read it. I often can't read a T-shirt I'm wearing myself, while I'm wearing it, without my glasses. And I'm FINALLY getting LASIK!!! :D
K Bye for now!
Anyway.
I would really like to get high. Not "HIGH!!" like, baked-out-of-your-mind, eating-cat-food, totally useless for the next few hours, "high"; just a little high. Just a buzz. Just enough that my leg might just stop hurting for a little while, you know?
But, no. Nope. Because marijuana is a very dangerous, illegal, detrimental substance which we must control very tightly and we will JAIL anyone who sells or uses it!!
Right. Except it really isn't.
Yes, it has an effect on brain development; it isn't recommended for adolescents or younger persons. And that's so dangerous, we must remove all traces of it from the street so that it doesn't fall into the hands of our poor, innocent young children!
Because alcohol isn't dangerous. It isn't detrimental to the brain, and if it were, it's impossible for young people to get their hands on it, right? Neither are cigarettes, which you can legally buy at 18 years old. And narcotics? No, narcotics are *totally* safe- there aren't clinics across the goddamn country to deal with narcotic addicts. There aren't hundreds, if not thousands, of cases of wrongful death in this country. If someone *died* from accidental narcotic overdose every, say, *nineteen*fucking*minutes*, we would absolutely have those drugs removed and banned from all hospitals and pharmacies nationwide, right? Only dangerous druggies would take them, because they just want to get high!
Right. Not so much.
http://loiter.co/v/cnns-weed-documentary-follows-dr-sanjay-guptas-rev/
I like this documentary. It's simple, effective, it isn't biased heavily on either side, and it's realistic.
And with that, I'm going to end.
Oh- I'm having LASIK tomorrow!! For anyone who doesn't know: My eyes are TERRIBLE. I have to hold my watch up to my face- like, five inches away- to read it. I often can't read a T-shirt I'm wearing myself, while I'm wearing it, without my glasses. And I'm FINALLY getting LASIK!!! :D
K Bye for now!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Hygeine
So today's going to be a little bit different.
Actually, no, it isn't; I'm still going to be talking about how fucking stupid people are, and how I don't understand how it is possible to be THIS STUPID and be able to, say, breathe. Not "breathe and walk", just "to breathe".
I grew up with 3 sisters. 3 + my mother = 4. 4 + my great-aunt Sis who lived with us for most of my growing up = 5. I have more than twice as many female cousins as male whom I grew up with. A large majority of my entire family is female. (note: this is my mother's family, because we don't have much to do with my dad's family)
So I have always- *always*- put the toilet lid down. It's just how I was taught. It doesn't matter where I am, or what I've done in the bathroom; the toilet seat and lid will be closed when I leave the bathroom. So all this arguing over "Guys have to put the seat down!!!" *really* pisses me the fuck off, for several reasons:
1) How hard is it to LOOK AT THE GODDAMNED TOILET BEFORE YOU PLOP YOUR ASS DOWN?!?!?!! Seriously?! I always, always, look at the seat before I sit. It's really not hard.
2) If guys are expected to go to the small extra effort to lower the seat, why the fuck can't girls go to that extra step to put it down before they use the toilet?! Yes, it's courteous to leave it down for the lady- but honestly, I've heard many, many stories of guys being told off for holding the door for some woman. So why, if women are so determined to be strong and independent and not waiting for men to come help them and shit, why are guys still expected to lower the seat? Really?
And this is the BIGGEST one, by *far*:
3) Why is the fucking toilet lid not closed anyway?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!!
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! There have been multiple studies done on how far particles from the toilet can travel on flushing:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2081680/How-leaving-toilet-lid-flushing-aid-spread-winter-vomiting-bug.html
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x797181
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/flush-toilet-diarrhea-bacteria-lidless-clostridium-difficile-_n_1181100.html
http://greencleanair.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Johnson_Toilet_Aerosolozation_CIAQ_2_13.pdf
I close the toilet immediately after I use it. Every. Time. Don't care where I am, whom else is in the house/building, whom else I can expect to use the bathroom- it WILL be closed when I leave.
Let's think about it: What is in the bathroom? What absorbent, soft items are exposed to the air in the bathroom?
1. Toothbrushes. That's what most of those links discuss; think about *that*: taking a feces/urine-loaded brush and scrubbing your teeth, tongue, lips, etc. with it. Yummy!
2. Your bath towel(s). Yeah, didn't think about that, did you? That soft, absorbent cloth you use to dry your body, hands, your hair, your face, when you're all wet after your bath/shower? Oh, yeah- that'll absorb all *kinds* of particles in the air! There's a comforting thought!
3. Toilet paper- which is *right*next*to* the toilet, and which you'll grab with your hands. OK, so toilet paper isn't going to be the cleanest thing anyway, but it could be a *bit* cleaner, couldn't it?
4. Anything you use for hygeine- sponges, cloths, pumice stones, etc. etc... all of that's in there.
So you just sprayed your entire bathroom with fecal-and-urine-loaded water droplets. Keep in mind, this is NOT line-of-sight; just because your bath towel hangs around a corner from the toilet, doesn't mean it's safe. Just because your toothbrush is on the far side of the sink, it isn't clean. The "aerosol effect" whih has been proven in the drops flung from a flushing toilet means that your bathroom gets a nice *cloud* of the stuff. Oh, you didn't flush and then sprint out, slamming the door behind you? Good; you're now covered in it, too. Your clothes, your hair, your skin, your lips.... good job, you really made sure you were well-covered in that shit! (literally- "that shit")
So, why can't we just forget about "Eeewww, I'm a *girl*, and that means you have to be nice to me! But, I'm totally *not* weaker or softer than you are in *any* respect!" and let's get past the "Well, why do I have to do the work? Why can't you do it?" arguments and posturing, and let's just CLOSE THE DAMN LID before we flush. Please??
Actually, no, it isn't; I'm still going to be talking about how fucking stupid people are, and how I don't understand how it is possible to be THIS STUPID and be able to, say, breathe. Not "breathe and walk", just "to breathe".
I grew up with 3 sisters. 3 + my mother = 4. 4 + my great-aunt Sis who lived with us for most of my growing up = 5. I have more than twice as many female cousins as male whom I grew up with. A large majority of my entire family is female. (note: this is my mother's family, because we don't have much to do with my dad's family)
So I have always- *always*- put the toilet lid down. It's just how I was taught. It doesn't matter where I am, or what I've done in the bathroom; the toilet seat and lid will be closed when I leave the bathroom. So all this arguing over "Guys have to put the seat down!!!" *really* pisses me the fuck off, for several reasons:
1) How hard is it to LOOK AT THE GODDAMNED TOILET BEFORE YOU PLOP YOUR ASS DOWN?!?!?!! Seriously?! I always, always, look at the seat before I sit. It's really not hard.
2) If guys are expected to go to the small extra effort to lower the seat, why the fuck can't girls go to that extra step to put it down before they use the toilet?! Yes, it's courteous to leave it down for the lady- but honestly, I've heard many, many stories of guys being told off for holding the door for some woman. So why, if women are so determined to be strong and independent and not waiting for men to come help them and shit, why are guys still expected to lower the seat? Really?
And this is the BIGGEST one, by *far*:
3) Why is the fucking toilet lid not closed anyway?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!!
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! There have been multiple studies done on how far particles from the toilet can travel on flushing:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2081680/How-leaving-toilet-lid-flushing-aid-spread-winter-vomiting-bug.html
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x797181
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/flush-toilet-diarrhea-bacteria-lidless-clostridium-difficile-_n_1181100.html
http://greencleanair.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Johnson_Toilet_Aerosolozation_CIAQ_2_13.pdf
I close the toilet immediately after I use it. Every. Time. Don't care where I am, whom else is in the house/building, whom else I can expect to use the bathroom- it WILL be closed when I leave.
Let's think about it: What is in the bathroom? What absorbent, soft items are exposed to the air in the bathroom?
1. Toothbrushes. That's what most of those links discuss; think about *that*: taking a feces/urine-loaded brush and scrubbing your teeth, tongue, lips, etc. with it. Yummy!
2. Your bath towel(s). Yeah, didn't think about that, did you? That soft, absorbent cloth you use to dry your body, hands, your hair, your face, when you're all wet after your bath/shower? Oh, yeah- that'll absorb all *kinds* of particles in the air! There's a comforting thought!
3. Toilet paper- which is *right*next*to* the toilet, and which you'll grab with your hands. OK, so toilet paper isn't going to be the cleanest thing anyway, but it could be a *bit* cleaner, couldn't it?
4. Anything you use for hygeine- sponges, cloths, pumice stones, etc. etc... all of that's in there.
So you just sprayed your entire bathroom with fecal-and-urine-loaded water droplets. Keep in mind, this is NOT line-of-sight; just because your bath towel hangs around a corner from the toilet, doesn't mean it's safe. Just because your toothbrush is on the far side of the sink, it isn't clean. The "aerosol effect" whih has been proven in the drops flung from a flushing toilet means that your bathroom gets a nice *cloud* of the stuff. Oh, you didn't flush and then sprint out, slamming the door behind you? Good; you're now covered in it, too. Your clothes, your hair, your skin, your lips.... good job, you really made sure you were well-covered in that shit! (literally- "that shit")
So, why can't we just forget about "Eeewww, I'm a *girl*, and that means you have to be nice to me! But, I'm totally *not* weaker or softer than you are in *any* respect!" and let's get past the "Well, why do I have to do the work? Why can't you do it?" arguments and posturing, and let's just CLOSE THE DAMN LID before we flush. Please??
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Driving
So, I've realized that I haven't written a word about one of the things which has been consuming a good bit of time and effort lately:
Driving.
No, this isn't a post about how people are retarded and shouldn't be allowed to drive. (although most of them are, and they shouldn't)
This is about *me*, and *my* car, and *my* leg (or rather, the lack thereof).
See, when I learned to drive, the first car I legally drove was my mom's Honda Civic sedan, which is a 5-speed manual. It was tricky, but I picked it up and started liking it. The used car I had in high school was a 1994 BMW 325is, also a 5-speed manual, and I really loved that car.
So now, sitting here at Walter Reed and looking at what car I want to purchase, I started looking into vehicles. I was looking for something reasonably efficient, useful, but sporty and fun. I narrowed it down to the 2013 Subaru BRZ/Scion FR-S (they're the same car, really) and the 2013 Ford Focus ST.
I deliberated and argued and wasn't sure for quite a while, but I went with the Focus because it's the more well-rounded car, it's *far* better equipped, and it's more... useful. More utilitarian. I'm still tormented by the thought of 2 doors, rear-wheel drive, and the tight, small look of a Japanese sports car.... but I recently sat in an FR-S, and my legs barely fit under the steering wheel without moving them (and a manual trans requires quite a bit of movement), and it's very bare and simple inside, and while I still want the two doors and the rear-wheel drive, I'm sure that I made the right choice.
Now, the Focus ST *only* comes with a 6-speed manual transmission. No dual-clutch paddles; good, old-fashioned clutch and stick, which made me more interested in it because if they're *only* offering the manual, it's more likely to be a good transmission.
But then came the problem: my leg was severed below the knee on February 29th, 2012. (I was looking at a car around October of 2012) So I would have to be able to drive a manual with my prosthesis. Well, that's fine- except that, because I still have my right foot and I don't want to buy 2 pairs of shoes in different sizes every time I buy shoes, I wear a Size 12 (US) shoe. And my left ankle doesn't flex much- it's made of metal and carbon fiber- so I can't point my toe at all. I got in a few cars and tried, and sure enough, my left foot couldn't depress the clutch all the way (or the brake) without hitting the floor and/or the bottom of the dash. So I needed a smaller foot.
Again, I didn't want to buy 2 pairs of different-sized shoes every time I bought shoes, so I talked to my prosthetist, and between us we designed *this*:
Driving.
No, this isn't a post about how people are retarded and shouldn't be allowed to drive. (although most of them are, and they shouldn't)
This is about *me*, and *my* car, and *my* leg (or rather, the lack thereof).
See, when I learned to drive, the first car I legally drove was my mom's Honda Civic sedan, which is a 5-speed manual. It was tricky, but I picked it up and started liking it. The used car I had in high school was a 1994 BMW 325is, also a 5-speed manual, and I really loved that car.
So now, sitting here at Walter Reed and looking at what car I want to purchase, I started looking into vehicles. I was looking for something reasonably efficient, useful, but sporty and fun. I narrowed it down to the 2013 Subaru BRZ/Scion FR-S (they're the same car, really) and the 2013 Ford Focus ST.
I deliberated and argued and wasn't sure for quite a while, but I went with the Focus because it's the more well-rounded car, it's *far* better equipped, and it's more... useful. More utilitarian. I'm still tormented by the thought of 2 doors, rear-wheel drive, and the tight, small look of a Japanese sports car.... but I recently sat in an FR-S, and my legs barely fit under the steering wheel without moving them (and a manual trans requires quite a bit of movement), and it's very bare and simple inside, and while I still want the two doors and the rear-wheel drive, I'm sure that I made the right choice.
Now, the Focus ST *only* comes with a 6-speed manual transmission. No dual-clutch paddles; good, old-fashioned clutch and stick, which made me more interested in it because if they're *only* offering the manual, it's more likely to be a good transmission.
But then came the problem: my leg was severed below the knee on February 29th, 2012. (I was looking at a car around October of 2012) So I would have to be able to drive a manual with my prosthesis. Well, that's fine- except that, because I still have my right foot and I don't want to buy 2 pairs of shoes in different sizes every time I buy shoes, I wear a Size 12 (US) shoe. And my left ankle doesn't flex much- it's made of metal and carbon fiber- so I can't point my toe at all. I got in a few cars and tried, and sure enough, my left foot couldn't depress the clutch all the way (or the brake) without hitting the floor and/or the bottom of the dash. So I needed a smaller foot.
Again, I didn't want to buy 2 pairs of different-sized shoes every time I bought shoes, so I talked to my prosthetist, and between us we designed *this*:
Yes, that's a dark photo and it's not completely clear, but that's what I have; I'll explain:
This is a straight metal shaft which attaches at 90* to a piece of carbon fiber, which is straight for about 2", then bends to about.... I don't know, 20*? And on the bottom, he cut out and has glued the bottom of a running shoe for grip. The socket of my prosthetic leg has a piece in the bottom from which my walking foot unscrews, and this one screws in, and I can push the clutch all the way in with it.
Now, this has a few.... problems. Problems I knew to expect, but which are complicated by the sporty clutch in the Focus ST and its... odd... release. See, I still don't have an ankle, or toes, so *all* control of movement is from my knee and hip. Your knee and hip apply force in much larger motions than your ankle and toes do; as such, it's very difficult to come off of the clutch smoothly. This is, as I said, further complicated by the fact that the clutch in my car sort of "pops" out- it gives a little bit, then will hold with very little pressure, then as you continue to move your foot off of the pedal, it will suddenly come further out. To negate this, normally your ankle would act as a shock absorber and your foot would flex accordingly, making the entire motion one smooth arc.
Again, I don't have an ankle.
So this is an... interesting problem. It's tricky. I have to focus pretty hard so that I don't stall when starting- even on flat or slightly downhill grades.
All in all, I do love my car. While I do love only having 2 doors- it makes the car smaller, both in appearance and reality, and it makes it look younger and sportier- four doors is definitely useful when moving a number of people or items. It's quite comfortable inside, and I *love* the seats- the Focus ST comes with Recaro seats, and I have mine done in the top trim level, so I have a full-leather interior.
I'm not *crazy* about the Ford SYNC; it's invaluable at times while you're driving, BUT it's also very frustrating. For instance, if you say something it doesn't recognize or if you simply ask it, "What can I say?" to get a full list of menu options, the voice begins speaking... and there is no skipping it or cutting it short. Modern recorded-voice answering machines on the telephone, when they're reading your list of options, you can usually cut them off; if they say the thing you need, you can say it right then, and they'll stop talking and accept your voice. The SYNC doesn't do that. So make one mistake in what you're saying, and you get to listen to 30 seconds (I have no idea how long it really is, I just know it's way too long!!) of the automated voice saying that you've made a mistake, and you can do ___ if you like, or ____, and if you need assistance, please call _____....... it drives me insane. So that's not awesome, but I'd heard that SYNC wasn't exactly most people's favorite. I don't rely on it, I don't need it most of the time, so I just keep in mind that it's annoying and clumsy and work around that.
Anyway. I'm finished now.... I'm kind of tired of typing.
I'm *trying* to make posting on here more regular, but mostly I just post when something comes to mind to post, and that isn't every day- or even every week- so for now, I'll try to keep updating this, but it's going to be spotty.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Lost inside myself
So today, I happened across the movie "Horsemen".
I don't really like Dennis Quaid (nothing against his acting, just... I don't really like looking at him. He has an odd face) and the movie wasn't *spectacular*, but it was.... profoundly disturbing. It wasn't just a bloody slasher flick; it wasn't like the "Saw" series, although that's probably the closest thing I know of to it....
From the title, I assumed, correctly, that it was somehow about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And yes, it was. But not so much about the mythical beings of the End Times, as it was about some really disturbed, disturbing young people.
Honestly, it's not all that often that I see a movie which freaks me out. I love movies that do- anything which challenges my mind in unexpected ways is a nice treat- but very few things really surprise me. Even if I haven't thought about it before, even if I'm delighted in the way it was executed (often literally *executed*), it's not often a challenge for me to wrap my mind around something horrible, gruesome, and... I think most people would say "distasteful", "wrong", "insane".... yeah. Serial murder, torture, etc.
No. Doesn't really confound me.
And that's not in a Goth way; I'm not dressing in all-black and wearing white facepaint and writing some bad poetry about how dark my heart is. I know, this sounds kind of Goth when I talk about my mind being a scary place... and it is, I guess. But I do not associate with Goth culture, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
See, it's not that insane people's actions make *sense* to me; it's not that I agree with them. It's more that I'm not... not outraged, not disgusted, the way most people are. And again, that's not just in a "I like blood" way.It's in a "I enjoy the art of murder and death" way.greeing with the murderers; there's just something in the
I'd appreciate it if you at least call me after you tip off the cops; I'd like to make sure my room is decently clean before they show up. =) Thanks.
I see serial murders, I watch the unfolding of a sick and twisted plot- in "Horsemen", these four young people take revenge on the parents they feel have wronged them, and do so in a Biblically disturbing manner. They take on the personae of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Revelations Ch. 6) The murders are carried out in horrific fashion, designed to ensure that their victims *feel* the true pain that the perpetrators have suffered.
And I watch this, and I watch other movies our modern world loves about death and murder and insane, twisted people, and I can't help but.... admire? Just... marvel at the mind involved. I can't help but see some art, as dark and disturbed as it is, some... I don't know what. There's *something* profound in not just death, but in a ritualistic and horrific death.
Seriously, I'm not going to go kill people in my basement. I don't even have a basement. I have never engaged in, or planned to engage in, something like serial murder. I'm not expressing admiration or agreeing with the murderers; I'm just saying that I *feel* something when I see something so diabolical.
Great art is supposed to evoke emotion. It's supposed to make us think. I don't see art in hacking someone up and burying them in 30 places; I don't appreciate the thought of hacking someone into pieces, raping them, and then dumping the body in the mass grave. I'm talking specifically about when someone takes some sick, twisted, often pseudo-spiritual, plan, and carries it out in the most gruesome fashion possible.
The anime series "Psycho-Pass" had two killers who would murder their victims, and then arrange the bodies into some sort of artistic form, playing some sort of satirical angle. And it's not the irony of using dead human parts for the presentation; the *message* of the thing isn't what gets me.
It's just how... creepy it all is, I think.
Really, there's just something inside me that... thrills to it. Not in a happy way; I'm not saying that vicious murder makes me happy. But... it's like the tingle you get down your spine when you hear some really good- really *amazing*- music. Not like your favorite artist; a really deep, moving, powerful classical piece, played by a master of the art. It's that sort of feeling. The same feeling I get when I read a book and some great (usually evil) character delivers a stirring, powerful, ominous bit of oratory. That primal excitement that I get when there's a big thunderstorm coming, and the wind starts to whip around, and the trees sway back and forth. (my favorite place to be at that time: in the *top* of a pine tree)
This doesn't really have a point to it. This isn't commentary on anything in the world today. It's just me saying that, sometimes, I'm a little bit worried about myself. I like the taste of my own blood; I feel primal excitement and power when I see a carefully executed scene of apocalyptic carnage; I hold long, intense, meaningful, deep conversations with myself (not just idly talking, like everyone does; I mean serious discussion)
And on days when I don't really have much to do, I tend to wander around and get lost in my own head. It's a cool place, with lots of neat little nooks and crannies and vistas, but it's also full of some very scary, disturbing, creepy, and misunderstood... *things*. And they like to play with me- whether I want to or not.
I don't really like Dennis Quaid (nothing against his acting, just... I don't really like looking at him. He has an odd face) and the movie wasn't *spectacular*, but it was.... profoundly disturbing. It wasn't just a bloody slasher flick; it wasn't like the "Saw" series, although that's probably the closest thing I know of to it....
From the title, I assumed, correctly, that it was somehow about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And yes, it was. But not so much about the mythical beings of the End Times, as it was about some really disturbed, disturbing young people.
Honestly, it's not all that often that I see a movie which freaks me out. I love movies that do- anything which challenges my mind in unexpected ways is a nice treat- but very few things really surprise me. Even if I haven't thought about it before, even if I'm delighted in the way it was executed (often literally *executed*), it's not often a challenge for me to wrap my mind around something horrible, gruesome, and... I think most people would say "distasteful", "wrong", "insane".... yeah. Serial murder, torture, etc.
No. Doesn't really confound me.
And that's not in a Goth way; I'm not dressing in all-black and wearing white facepaint and writing some bad poetry about how dark my heart is. I know, this sounds kind of Goth when I talk about my mind being a scary place... and it is, I guess. But I do not associate with Goth culture, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
See, it's not that insane people's actions make *sense* to me; it's not that I agree with them. It's more that I'm not... not outraged, not disgusted, the way most people are. And again, that's not just in a "I like blood" way.It's in a "I enjoy the art of murder and death" way.greeing with the murderers; there's just something in the
I'd appreciate it if you at least call me after you tip off the cops; I'd like to make sure my room is decently clean before they show up. =) Thanks.
I see serial murders, I watch the unfolding of a sick and twisted plot- in "Horsemen", these four young people take revenge on the parents they feel have wronged them, and do so in a Biblically disturbing manner. They take on the personae of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Revelations Ch. 6) The murders are carried out in horrific fashion, designed to ensure that their victims *feel* the true pain that the perpetrators have suffered.
And I watch this, and I watch other movies our modern world loves about death and murder and insane, twisted people, and I can't help but.... admire? Just... marvel at the mind involved. I can't help but see some art, as dark and disturbed as it is, some... I don't know what. There's *something* profound in not just death, but in a ritualistic and horrific death.
Seriously, I'm not going to go kill people in my basement. I don't even have a basement. I have never engaged in, or planned to engage in, something like serial murder. I'm not expressing admiration or agreeing with the murderers; I'm just saying that I *feel* something when I see something so diabolical.
Great art is supposed to evoke emotion. It's supposed to make us think. I don't see art in hacking someone up and burying them in 30 places; I don't appreciate the thought of hacking someone into pieces, raping them, and then dumping the body in the mass grave. I'm talking specifically about when someone takes some sick, twisted, often pseudo-spiritual, plan, and carries it out in the most gruesome fashion possible.
The anime series "Psycho-Pass" had two killers who would murder their victims, and then arrange the bodies into some sort of artistic form, playing some sort of satirical angle. And it's not the irony of using dead human parts for the presentation; the *message* of the thing isn't what gets me.
It's just how... creepy it all is, I think.
Really, there's just something inside me that... thrills to it. Not in a happy way; I'm not saying that vicious murder makes me happy. But... it's like the tingle you get down your spine when you hear some really good- really *amazing*- music. Not like your favorite artist; a really deep, moving, powerful classical piece, played by a master of the art. It's that sort of feeling. The same feeling I get when I read a book and some great (usually evil) character delivers a stirring, powerful, ominous bit of oratory. That primal excitement that I get when there's a big thunderstorm coming, and the wind starts to whip around, and the trees sway back and forth. (my favorite place to be at that time: in the *top* of a pine tree)
This doesn't really have a point to it. This isn't commentary on anything in the world today. It's just me saying that, sometimes, I'm a little bit worried about myself. I like the taste of my own blood; I feel primal excitement and power when I see a carefully executed scene of apocalyptic carnage; I hold long, intense, meaningful, deep conversations with myself (not just idly talking, like everyone does; I mean serious discussion)
And on days when I don't really have much to do, I tend to wander around and get lost in my own head. It's a cool place, with lots of neat little nooks and crannies and vistas, but it's also full of some very scary, disturbing, creepy, and misunderstood... *things*. And they like to play with me- whether I want to or not.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
............. SERIOUSLY?!
I didn't know what else to title this post. I have no real words to succinctly frame my state of mind, my opinion on this issue.
So the Courts are meeting on Same-Sex Marriage. Again.
A-
-fucking-
-gain.
OK, I don't understand this. Here are my issues:
1) "Marriage" is a union given religious sanction. To be "married" is to be joined in the eyes of the church. If a religion rules that you may not be married to someone of the same sex, then that's that. I don't give a fuck. If Church A says "no", but Church B says "yes", then you may be married in Church B, but NOT Church A. Simple as that.
2) Don't we have something called... what is it.... SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?! Why the FUCK is the fucking GOVERNMENT deciding what CHURCHES may or may not do?!??!?!??!?!!! Negative. If the Church decides that men may marry donkeys, but the Government doesn't hold that as legal, then go right ahead; marry that donkey and the man. Inside of that church, that's sanctioned. Step outside the doors of that church, and you have *no* legal sanction; you don't get to file joint taxes, you don't get whatever other things the Government allows for most unified couples, because it doesn't recognize your union. Vice versa: If the Government recognizes your same-sex union, WHICH IT SHOULD, then that's fine; you get to file the joint taxes and raise children and be recognized by the State as a unified couple. However, go into a church, and you are no longer recognized. The Church is under NO OBLIGATION to recognize you, and the Government CAN'T FORCE IT TO.
So, Civil Unions are FINE. The Government has NO RIGHT to declare whether or not someone may marry another person. If the Government gave Person A a tax break for wearing a shirt, it can't refuse the same break to Person B for wearing the wrong color shirt. The Law in the United States is supposed to protect its citizens and allow for their pursuit of Liberty and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.
I'm sorry, but gay people should NOT be "married". They can live together, and be unified under the Law, and thereby get all the rights and allowances and privileges of heterosexual couples; however, they CAN NOT BE MARRIED. Remember Problem #1? Yeah; "marriage" is a union UNDER THE CHURCH. The CHURCH decides who may or may not be married. Saying that the Government should *make* the Church marry people whom the Church doesn't believe should be married is like... like telling the Catholic Church to marry Wiccans! FUCK NO. If you don't believe that the Bible *does* condemn homosexuality (which it very much does, BTW) then start your own fucking Church. Don't demand that the ancient established religions rectify the teachings they've gone by for a few thousand years to recognize what you believe is right. You join a religion because you believe what it says; if you don't believe it, then you don't join that church.
..... Seriously, I can't say this enough:
MARRIAGE IS A RELIGIOUS SANCTION.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS NO SAY OVER WHAT THE CHURCH DOES (so long as it doesn't interfere with the Government or cause harm to its citizens)
I don't understand why this is a fucking issue. Do gay people just want to say that they are "married"? Is that actually different from a "union"? Call it whatever the fuck you want; the fact is that you can't be "married", because to be "married" you HAVE to go through the Church, and the Church believes that gay people are evil and wrong. You should be allowed to have a Civil Union.
Heterosexual couples get a marriage license, and are recognized officially by the Law as married; going to a Church and being wed by a priest/pastor/whatever doesn't make you "married" legally. You have to go through the two systems separately. So gay couples should be allowed to be joined legally; they just don't have to use the Church.
OK, listen; the Church is actually right about one thing: They Bible DOES condemn homosexuality. Several times. The Church is absolutely right about denying homosexuality as true love, and declaring it instead a perversion and a sin; in the Bible, it says so, and assuming that the Bible is absolutely true, then homosexuality is wrong. (I don't believe that the Bible is without flaws; I mean, *come*on*- *humans* wrote it!)
Pastors who decide to defy the Church's teachings and marry gay people shouldn't do that. If you believe that the Church is wrong, take it up with the Church, but you are in NO position to act outside of official authority. If I were in Afghanistan and said, "You know what, this war is totally wrong; we shouldn't be fighting here. Let's make peace!" and went outside the wire, laid down my rifle, and gave the Taliban maps and money and supplies, I'd be branded a traitor and probably shot. Several times. And rightly so; I'm acting as a United States Marine, doing something outside of the United States' policy, with detrimental effects to the United States' efforts. Pastors who marry gay people *are* acting outside of the Church's allowance, without official go-ahead, and should be removed from their positions within the Church for doing so.
STOP BEING CONFUSED AND FUCKING THINK.
The Church gets to decide what it will allow. The United States can't go to Great Britain and demand that it meet its emissions standards and change their road signs to match the ones in the USA; they're separate heads of power. Likewise, the Government has NO SAY in what the Church does, and the Church has NO SAY in what the Government does.
I..... seriously, just...... FUCK. I don't know what else to fucking say! I want to say *something*, but I don't know what to... seriously, this pisses me off. Not because I have a personal stake in this matter; I'm heterosexual, and I'm not about to hop fences. But it really, really angers me when people keep saying STUPID SHIT and arguing about this without actually thinking about what's going on. Heterosexual Bible-belt conservatives think that gay people are coming to destroy marriage and interfere with their Churches; liberal free-spirit pussies think that the conservatives are gun-waving lunatics who can't cope with change and hate gay people for no reason other than their homosexuality.
OK, parts of that are true, but overall it just isn't.
Christians are failing to realize that the Government of the United States isn't acting under the Bible's teachings; they need to let it go. Just because the Government passes a law doesn't mean you have to *believe* in it, it doesn't change what you're allowed to preach SO FAR AS THE BIBLE GOES. You can't tell your congregation to lynch the gay couple downtown, because that does overstep legal boundaries; you *can* refuse an openly gay couple to make out in your pews on Sunday, because that's overstepping *your* bounds.
I don't feel 'finished'- I'm still really pissed about how STUPID people are being about this- but I don't know what else to say.
So the Courts are meeting on Same-Sex Marriage. Again.
A-
-fucking-
-gain.
OK, I don't understand this. Here are my issues:
1) "Marriage" is a union given religious sanction. To be "married" is to be joined in the eyes of the church. If a religion rules that you may not be married to someone of the same sex, then that's that. I don't give a fuck. If Church A says "no", but Church B says "yes", then you may be married in Church B, but NOT Church A. Simple as that.
2) Don't we have something called... what is it.... SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?! Why the FUCK is the fucking GOVERNMENT deciding what CHURCHES may or may not do?!??!?!??!?!!! Negative. If the Church decides that men may marry donkeys, but the Government doesn't hold that as legal, then go right ahead; marry that donkey and the man. Inside of that church, that's sanctioned. Step outside the doors of that church, and you have *no* legal sanction; you don't get to file joint taxes, you don't get whatever other things the Government allows for most unified couples, because it doesn't recognize your union. Vice versa: If the Government recognizes your same-sex union, WHICH IT SHOULD, then that's fine; you get to file the joint taxes and raise children and be recognized by the State as a unified couple. However, go into a church, and you are no longer recognized. The Church is under NO OBLIGATION to recognize you, and the Government CAN'T FORCE IT TO.
So, Civil Unions are FINE. The Government has NO RIGHT to declare whether or not someone may marry another person. If the Government gave Person A a tax break for wearing a shirt, it can't refuse the same break to Person B for wearing the wrong color shirt. The Law in the United States is supposed to protect its citizens and allow for their pursuit of Liberty and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.
I'm sorry, but gay people should NOT be "married". They can live together, and be unified under the Law, and thereby get all the rights and allowances and privileges of heterosexual couples; however, they CAN NOT BE MARRIED. Remember Problem #1? Yeah; "marriage" is a union UNDER THE CHURCH. The CHURCH decides who may or may not be married. Saying that the Government should *make* the Church marry people whom the Church doesn't believe should be married is like... like telling the Catholic Church to marry Wiccans! FUCK NO. If you don't believe that the Bible *does* condemn homosexuality (which it very much does, BTW) then start your own fucking Church. Don't demand that the ancient established religions rectify the teachings they've gone by for a few thousand years to recognize what you believe is right. You join a religion because you believe what it says; if you don't believe it, then you don't join that church.
..... Seriously, I can't say this enough:
MARRIAGE IS A RELIGIOUS SANCTION.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS NO SAY OVER WHAT THE CHURCH DOES (so long as it doesn't interfere with the Government or cause harm to its citizens)
I don't understand why this is a fucking issue. Do gay people just want to say that they are "married"? Is that actually different from a "union"? Call it whatever the fuck you want; the fact is that you can't be "married", because to be "married" you HAVE to go through the Church, and the Church believes that gay people are evil and wrong. You should be allowed to have a Civil Union.
Heterosexual couples get a marriage license, and are recognized officially by the Law as married; going to a Church and being wed by a priest/pastor/whatever doesn't make you "married" legally. You have to go through the two systems separately. So gay couples should be allowed to be joined legally; they just don't have to use the Church.
OK, listen; the Church is actually right about one thing: They Bible DOES condemn homosexuality. Several times. The Church is absolutely right about denying homosexuality as true love, and declaring it instead a perversion and a sin; in the Bible, it says so, and assuming that the Bible is absolutely true, then homosexuality is wrong. (I don't believe that the Bible is without flaws; I mean, *come*on*- *humans* wrote it!)
Pastors who decide to defy the Church's teachings and marry gay people shouldn't do that. If you believe that the Church is wrong, take it up with the Church, but you are in NO position to act outside of official authority. If I were in Afghanistan and said, "You know what, this war is totally wrong; we shouldn't be fighting here. Let's make peace!" and went outside the wire, laid down my rifle, and gave the Taliban maps and money and supplies, I'd be branded a traitor and probably shot. Several times. And rightly so; I'm acting as a United States Marine, doing something outside of the United States' policy, with detrimental effects to the United States' efforts. Pastors who marry gay people *are* acting outside of the Church's allowance, without official go-ahead, and should be removed from their positions within the Church for doing so.
STOP BEING CONFUSED AND FUCKING THINK.
The Church gets to decide what it will allow. The United States can't go to Great Britain and demand that it meet its emissions standards and change their road signs to match the ones in the USA; they're separate heads of power. Likewise, the Government has NO SAY in what the Church does, and the Church has NO SAY in what the Government does.
I..... seriously, just...... FUCK. I don't know what else to fucking say! I want to say *something*, but I don't know what to... seriously, this pisses me off. Not because I have a personal stake in this matter; I'm heterosexual, and I'm not about to hop fences. But it really, really angers me when people keep saying STUPID SHIT and arguing about this without actually thinking about what's going on. Heterosexual Bible-belt conservatives think that gay people are coming to destroy marriage and interfere with their Churches; liberal free-spirit pussies think that the conservatives are gun-waving lunatics who can't cope with change and hate gay people for no reason other than their homosexuality.
OK, parts of that are true, but overall it just isn't.
Christians are failing to realize that the Government of the United States isn't acting under the Bible's teachings; they need to let it go. Just because the Government passes a law doesn't mean you have to *believe* in it, it doesn't change what you're allowed to preach SO FAR AS THE BIBLE GOES. You can't tell your congregation to lynch the gay couple downtown, because that does overstep legal boundaries; you *can* refuse an openly gay couple to make out in your pews on Sunday, because that's overstepping *your* bounds.
I don't feel 'finished'- I'm still really pissed about how STUPID people are being about this- but I don't know what else to say.
Monday, March 11, 2013
I am such a boot...
Now, most of you reading this (if any of you are reading this) are civilians, and as such have no idea what a "boot" is. 'How is he footwear?' Let me explain: in the military, a "boot" is a new guy. This is because they are fresh out of "boot camp". Guys are generally called "boots" until they have a deployment under their belt- although one deployment is no guarantee of "salty" status. (you're called "salty" when you've been in for a little while, because when you swear a lot and the sweat dries on your clothes, it leaves behind a bit of salt- so a "salty" piece of gear is something which is, literally, salty. The term applies to anything in the military which has seen time in action)
See, I have only been through one deployment; it was on my first deployment that I got injured and landed in the hospital. I got to the hospital a 19-year-old Lance Corporal. I picked up Corporal while a patient. On my deployment, I saw no combat. I was not fired upon, did not shoot back at, didn't see anyone else shoot at anything, and saw very little 'action'. I just had horrible luck, and got blown back to the United States less than a month early.
So, I have not really been an NCO in the 'Fleet'. (NCO = Non-Commissioned Officer; 'the Fleet' = the Fleet Marine Corps; the majority of the Marine Corps, not in training, not in MOS School) As such, I often feel like I haven't earned my rank, and I'm not sure how to wear it sometimes. NCO's are the real leaders in the Corps; they are the small-unit leadership. E1 to E3 are the legwork; E6 to E9 make the decisions. E4 and E5 are NCO's, and it falls on them to make sure that the decisions made by the Staff NCO's, E6-E9, are completed by the lower Enlisted members. As such, they are generally the busiest, most-stressed people in the Marine Corps: any mistakes made by the E1-E3 fall on their shoulders, as the responsible party, and any failure to complete the orders falls on them as well. They generally sleep less, work more, and they are the ones who make things *happen*.
And I haven't been an NCO in the Fleet. I've only been an NCO in the hospital. I went from being a LCPL, following the orders I was given, to suddenly being the guy who's supposed to give orders; and I don't feel ready. If, right now, my leg grew back and my nerves healed and I was dropped in front of a platoon and told to lead them, I think I would be able to manage, but not easily. I would second-guess myself at every turn, something you can't do as a leader.
And beyond that, I'm a boot.
Sure, I have a deployment under my belt- one deployment. One, to an area with *very* little to *no* combat going on. I did jack. Shit. For six months. I feel like I didn't do my job. Well, no; I did my job. But then, the guy who sits in an office and never deploys does his job as a boot Admin clerk. I did my job as a Radio Operator; I did my *job*, but I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't win anything, didn't kill anything, didn't go anywhere, didn't do much at all. I was just supporting the other guys who were out there... not really doing anything.
This comes to a head tonight because I just had a great talk with a guy I sort-of know who's here- another Wounded Warrior. He's a Scout Sniper (translation: badass stone-cold killer MARINE) who's done *three* deployments. And it was really good to talk to him; made me remember what it was like, hanging with my boys after work, being a *Marine*. I miss that. I don't miss all the rigamarole and anal shit we had to do, but I miss being with my guys in the field.
So, I'm talking to this guy, and I'm feeling all over again just how much this sucks. He's had a full year more than me in the Marine Corps (we graduated High School the same year, but he went straight to Boot Camp; I went to college for a year) and he's had three deployments to do his job. He's done his job; he knew what he was there to do. When you're in combat, sure, you might think, "Why am I killing this guy?" but when you're there, and there's no one there to kill, but you're standing there with a rifle and a few thousand dollars' worth of gear on your body, all designed to save you and kill them, you ask yourself: "Why the fuck am I here?"
So, I'm a Corporal with a Combat Action Ribbon and a full deployment under my belt and 2 1/2 years in the Corps (hit my 1-year mark in Afghanistan, and my 2-year mark in the hospital...) and I haven't seen combat, haven't had to shoot anyone, have never been shot at, haven't seen anyone die, haven't known anyone who died in combat........
So I ask myself, constantly: Why am I here? What did this accomplish? What was the point? What did I do? I'm supposed to be a leader, but I knew PFC's with more *combat* experience than I have today. I don't like this.
I enlisted in the Marine Corps- specifically the Marine Corps- because I wanted to go into combat. I wanted to see, hear, feel, learn about, experience, and understand to some extent what people go through when they gace combat. I wanted to know what vets stare at that's 1,000 yards away. I want to know what it is about combat that you can't explain to someone who has never been there.
Instead, I got pushed through a whole deployment without any combat. I made NCO and still don't have the experience to back it up. I feel like a fraud most of the time, and I really don't like it.
See, I have only been through one deployment; it was on my first deployment that I got injured and landed in the hospital. I got to the hospital a 19-year-old Lance Corporal. I picked up Corporal while a patient. On my deployment, I saw no combat. I was not fired upon, did not shoot back at, didn't see anyone else shoot at anything, and saw very little 'action'. I just had horrible luck, and got blown back to the United States less than a month early.
So, I have not really been an NCO in the 'Fleet'. (NCO = Non-Commissioned Officer; 'the Fleet' = the Fleet Marine Corps; the majority of the Marine Corps, not in training, not in MOS School) As such, I often feel like I haven't earned my rank, and I'm not sure how to wear it sometimes. NCO's are the real leaders in the Corps; they are the small-unit leadership. E1 to E3 are the legwork; E6 to E9 make the decisions. E4 and E5 are NCO's, and it falls on them to make sure that the decisions made by the Staff NCO's, E6-E9, are completed by the lower Enlisted members. As such, they are generally the busiest, most-stressed people in the Marine Corps: any mistakes made by the E1-E3 fall on their shoulders, as the responsible party, and any failure to complete the orders falls on them as well. They generally sleep less, work more, and they are the ones who make things *happen*.
And I haven't been an NCO in the Fleet. I've only been an NCO in the hospital. I went from being a LCPL, following the orders I was given, to suddenly being the guy who's supposed to give orders; and I don't feel ready. If, right now, my leg grew back and my nerves healed and I was dropped in front of a platoon and told to lead them, I think I would be able to manage, but not easily. I would second-guess myself at every turn, something you can't do as a leader.
And beyond that, I'm a boot.
Sure, I have a deployment under my belt- one deployment. One, to an area with *very* little to *no* combat going on. I did jack. Shit. For six months. I feel like I didn't do my job. Well, no; I did my job. But then, the guy who sits in an office and never deploys does his job as a boot Admin clerk. I did my job as a Radio Operator; I did my *job*, but I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't win anything, didn't kill anything, didn't go anywhere, didn't do much at all. I was just supporting the other guys who were out there... not really doing anything.
This comes to a head tonight because I just had a great talk with a guy I sort-of know who's here- another Wounded Warrior. He's a Scout Sniper (translation: badass stone-cold killer MARINE) who's done *three* deployments. And it was really good to talk to him; made me remember what it was like, hanging with my boys after work, being a *Marine*. I miss that. I don't miss all the rigamarole and anal shit we had to do, but I miss being with my guys in the field.
So, I'm talking to this guy, and I'm feeling all over again just how much this sucks. He's had a full year more than me in the Marine Corps (we graduated High School the same year, but he went straight to Boot Camp; I went to college for a year) and he's had three deployments to do his job. He's done his job; he knew what he was there to do. When you're in combat, sure, you might think, "Why am I killing this guy?" but when you're there, and there's no one there to kill, but you're standing there with a rifle and a few thousand dollars' worth of gear on your body, all designed to save you and kill them, you ask yourself: "Why the fuck am I here?"
So, I'm a Corporal with a Combat Action Ribbon and a full deployment under my belt and 2 1/2 years in the Corps (hit my 1-year mark in Afghanistan, and my 2-year mark in the hospital...) and I haven't seen combat, haven't had to shoot anyone, have never been shot at, haven't seen anyone die, haven't known anyone who died in combat........
So I ask myself, constantly: Why am I here? What did this accomplish? What was the point? What did I do? I'm supposed to be a leader, but I knew PFC's with more *combat* experience than I have today. I don't like this.
I enlisted in the Marine Corps- specifically the Marine Corps- because I wanted to go into combat. I wanted to see, hear, feel, learn about, experience, and understand to some extent what people go through when they gace combat. I wanted to know what vets stare at that's 1,000 yards away. I want to know what it is about combat that you can't explain to someone who has never been there.
Instead, I got pushed through a whole deployment without any combat. I made NCO and still don't have the experience to back it up. I feel like a fraud most of the time, and I really don't like it.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Pain. (Again? Yes, again- it's still here)
I don't really like writing about my pain. I feel like I'm whining, or fishing for sympathy. But then, since I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, maybe I'm not really...
Plus, while I don't really like writing about it, I *really* don't like *having* the pain. And when it's been a while since I've written, and I go for a sort of stream-of-consciousness, it tends to bubble to the surface.
It's hard to deal with.
The pain isn't excruciating in and of itself. In hospitals, they use a "0-10" pain scale; if you go to a provider with complaint about pain, they'll always ask you where it falls on that scale. I hate the scale, because they say "0 is 'no pain', and 10 is 'the worst pain you can imagine'." Well, the worst pain I can imagine.... Okay, imagine if your entire body spontaneously combusted at the same moment you swallowed a mouthful of hydrochloric acid; take a snapshot of the exact moment the pain first hits your brain, before any of the nerve endings have had time to dissolve or burn away. *That* is about the worst pain I can imagine.
But whenever they ask me, and I say, "Um, let's say... 3?" they, subconsciously or consciously, dismiss it somewhat. So I've had to adjust what I say, because when they say "the worst pain you can imagine," they don't really mean it. They mean, "the worst pain you can imagine, within normal reason." Maybe breaking a leg. (I've never broken my leg- oh, wait, I did, but I don't remember what it felt like- so I don't know what that's really like) So I say "Um... maybe a 4?" while clenching my teeth and furiously massaging my leg, and they look at me funny.
But honestly, it's not the pain in itself. I've suffered worse pain than this. A momentary snapshot at the peak of a bad surge of the nerve pain isn't as bad as a snapshot of several other moments in my life. This, I can deal with.
What's hard to deal with- and I mean: *HARD* to deal with- is having it constantly. Knowing that, if you sit down with the intention of relaxing and letting your stress just melt away, you're only going to be able to do part of that: you can sit down, but relax? Yeah. Fucking. Right. Not happening, bitch, because this? This is motherfucking *game*time*!
So you sit down, and just when you're easing into the chair, *BAM*!! And you jerk and hold your leg and your body seizes up, and you rub and massage it, and you hiss and curse and bite down and screw your eyes up and can't really talk for a moment.
Nerve pain doesn't relate to "real" pain. At least, what I have doesn't- I have reason to believe that this isn't what most people experience. Not because I think I'm special; just because I can't imagine people really going through a normal day with this pain and not doing what I do every so often: seize up, freeze, tense, and wait for it to pass before trying to do anything.
When I lie in bed now, I lie in a figure-4 position; my right leg is sideways, and bent at the knee so that my foot rests on my residual left leg below its knee. I do this because with that foot, I constantly massage and rub my leg. It doesn't make any goddamn bit of a fucking difference, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Just like hiding under your blanket doesn't make you safe, but it makes you *feel* safe. Except that in this case, you're stubbornly clutching the blankets around your head even as the monster drags your weak ass out and eats you, piece by piece, leisurely. Because rubbing doesn't help. It doesn't. Fucking. Help.=
Often, when you have a highly uncomfortable pain- like this nerve pain- just some kind of crawly, tingling, sharp pain- you tend to tense something unrelated. You flex and clench something repeatedly- for most people, it's their fingers. You grip something tightly; you flex your hands open and closed. Random things that react because your body is tense. For me, with this pain- I've never done this before, but now I do- I flex my toes. I mean, my whole body will react if it's a bad surge of pain, but my foot is constantly working. I might not visually react, might not clench my teeth and ball up and grip my leg like I do when it's bad, but I'm still getting pain, and my body wants to react to it somehow. Well, since I'm usually wearing a shoe and whatever healthcare provider or family member or friend or whomever can't see inside of my shoes, I tend to flex my right foot. Specifically, I cross my big toe over the second toe and bear down, usually making the big toe slide over it until the finger kind of flicks out like a spring.
Okay, here's an better description you might be able to understand: You know when you get some uncomfortable pain, and your toes curl? Pain, pleasure, horrible noises, etc.; your toes curl. My toes curl and flex and strain while this pain crawls through my leg. And my big toe tends to curl on top of the second toe. That's all.
So, since I have this pain constantly, I do that a LOT. And recently, it was an issue, because I did it so much that I literally created a blister on the top of my second toe. I didn't notice the blister until it hurt because I'd opened it by curling my toes again and again and again.... So I had a raw, open, circular patch of skin on my toe for a few days. (I just noticed yesterday that it has closed)
It's hard to know that it's going to hurt. It's hard to go through day after day of this. Just constantly this weird, crawling, electric-shock-cum-hand-fallen-asleep-tingling stabbing into your leg. I keep saying "crawling" to describe it- because that's kind of what it feels like. Picture a movie where there are some nasty arachnid things; that clicking/skittering noise they make when they walk? Yeah; picture that as a physical sensation, instead of an audible sound. That, in electric-shock/tingling/stabbing. It's.... 'icky' and unpleasant. And it fucking sucks.
Constantly.
When your alarm goes off, you roll over, turn it off, and it hits you.
When you get dressed, it bugs you.
While you shave and brush your teeth, it keeps interrupting.
Eating breakfast with breaks every so often as it surges randomly, and you can't keep eating with both hands clenching your leg. (again, not because it helps- because you want it to help)
Sitting down, playing a video game, just trying to relax and let the day's stress drain away... while pausing the game a few times because you can't focus through the pain; your fingers are tense and jerky because your whole body is tense.
I don't know why it doesn't stop me from driving. I've had small surges hit while I'm driving, but never so bad that I couldn't keep driving relatively easily, and they happen less often. For a while, I thought that it must just be that I have to distract myself; I have to be so engaged in something that my mind isn't free to make up some pain. But no, because I can't find anything which will consistently do that: video games, movies, TV shows, books, card games, board games, studying, working out, walking, lying still, meditation, controlled breathing, audio "hypnosis" tracks, those tracks in conjunction with controlled breathing techniques........ Nope.
It's not something I can push through. This isn't normal pain. Normal pain you can ignore. You *can* get through pain. If it's just pain, not a message that something is wrong, you can keep going. If, for instance, your leg just hurts, you can run on it. If the pain in your leg is telling you that it's broken, or that you tore your ACL, then no, you can't really ignore it and keep going. Well, you kind of can, but it's better not to.
I can't claim to be immune to pain, but I think I can tell the difference. Ten years of playing soccer, doing Tae Kwon Do for four years, going through Boot Camp and MCT, spending time around Marines as a Marine; I think I can tell when I'm *hurt*, vs. when I'm *injured*.
This, I can't ignore. It doesn't matter what I'm doing- it's not like I can take weight off of it and it will stop, like you would with a sprained ankle. It doesn't change. There isn't anything I know of which stops it.
Okay, I think I've whined enough. I could keep writing for an hour or so, but this pain hasn't changed, and I'm tired of just sitting here while my legs dance and flex and my toes curl and I try really hard to just keep typing.
Fuck.
This.
Shit.
Goddamn, I'm tired of this.
Plus, while I don't really like writing about it, I *really* don't like *having* the pain. And when it's been a while since I've written, and I go for a sort of stream-of-consciousness, it tends to bubble to the surface.
It's hard to deal with.
The pain isn't excruciating in and of itself. In hospitals, they use a "0-10" pain scale; if you go to a provider with complaint about pain, they'll always ask you where it falls on that scale. I hate the scale, because they say "0 is 'no pain', and 10 is 'the worst pain you can imagine'." Well, the worst pain I can imagine.... Okay, imagine if your entire body spontaneously combusted at the same moment you swallowed a mouthful of hydrochloric acid; take a snapshot of the exact moment the pain first hits your brain, before any of the nerve endings have had time to dissolve or burn away. *That* is about the worst pain I can imagine.
But whenever they ask me, and I say, "Um, let's say... 3?" they, subconsciously or consciously, dismiss it somewhat. So I've had to adjust what I say, because when they say "the worst pain you can imagine," they don't really mean it. They mean, "the worst pain you can imagine, within normal reason." Maybe breaking a leg. (I've never broken my leg- oh, wait, I did, but I don't remember what it felt like- so I don't know what that's really like) So I say "Um... maybe a 4?" while clenching my teeth and furiously massaging my leg, and they look at me funny.
But honestly, it's not the pain in itself. I've suffered worse pain than this. A momentary snapshot at the peak of a bad surge of the nerve pain isn't as bad as a snapshot of several other moments in my life. This, I can deal with.
What's hard to deal with- and I mean: *HARD* to deal with- is having it constantly. Knowing that, if you sit down with the intention of relaxing and letting your stress just melt away, you're only going to be able to do part of that: you can sit down, but relax? Yeah. Fucking. Right. Not happening, bitch, because this? This is motherfucking *game*time*!
So you sit down, and just when you're easing into the chair, *BAM*!! And you jerk and hold your leg and your body seizes up, and you rub and massage it, and you hiss and curse and bite down and screw your eyes up and can't really talk for a moment.
Nerve pain doesn't relate to "real" pain. At least, what I have doesn't- I have reason to believe that this isn't what most people experience. Not because I think I'm special; just because I can't imagine people really going through a normal day with this pain and not doing what I do every so often: seize up, freeze, tense, and wait for it to pass before trying to do anything.
When I lie in bed now, I lie in a figure-4 position; my right leg is sideways, and bent at the knee so that my foot rests on my residual left leg below its knee. I do this because with that foot, I constantly massage and rub my leg. It doesn't make any goddamn bit of a fucking difference, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Just like hiding under your blanket doesn't make you safe, but it makes you *feel* safe. Except that in this case, you're stubbornly clutching the blankets around your head even as the monster drags your weak ass out and eats you, piece by piece, leisurely. Because rubbing doesn't help. It doesn't. Fucking. Help.=
Often, when you have a highly uncomfortable pain- like this nerve pain- just some kind of crawly, tingling, sharp pain- you tend to tense something unrelated. You flex and clench something repeatedly- for most people, it's their fingers. You grip something tightly; you flex your hands open and closed. Random things that react because your body is tense. For me, with this pain- I've never done this before, but now I do- I flex my toes. I mean, my whole body will react if it's a bad surge of pain, but my foot is constantly working. I might not visually react, might not clench my teeth and ball up and grip my leg like I do when it's bad, but I'm still getting pain, and my body wants to react to it somehow. Well, since I'm usually wearing a shoe and whatever healthcare provider or family member or friend or whomever can't see inside of my shoes, I tend to flex my right foot. Specifically, I cross my big toe over the second toe and bear down, usually making the big toe slide over it until the finger kind of flicks out like a spring.
Okay, here's an better description you might be able to understand: You know when you get some uncomfortable pain, and your toes curl? Pain, pleasure, horrible noises, etc.; your toes curl. My toes curl and flex and strain while this pain crawls through my leg. And my big toe tends to curl on top of the second toe. That's all.
So, since I have this pain constantly, I do that a LOT. And recently, it was an issue, because I did it so much that I literally created a blister on the top of my second toe. I didn't notice the blister until it hurt because I'd opened it by curling my toes again and again and again.... So I had a raw, open, circular patch of skin on my toe for a few days. (I just noticed yesterday that it has closed)
It's hard to know that it's going to hurt. It's hard to go through day after day of this. Just constantly this weird, crawling, electric-shock-cum-hand-fallen-asleep-tingling stabbing into your leg. I keep saying "crawling" to describe it- because that's kind of what it feels like. Picture a movie where there are some nasty arachnid things; that clicking/skittering noise they make when they walk? Yeah; picture that as a physical sensation, instead of an audible sound. That, in electric-shock/tingling/stabbing. It's.... 'icky' and unpleasant. And it fucking sucks.
Constantly.
When your alarm goes off, you roll over, turn it off, and it hits you.
When you get dressed, it bugs you.
While you shave and brush your teeth, it keeps interrupting.
Eating breakfast with breaks every so often as it surges randomly, and you can't keep eating with both hands clenching your leg. (again, not because it helps- because you want it to help)
Sitting down, playing a video game, just trying to relax and let the day's stress drain away... while pausing the game a few times because you can't focus through the pain; your fingers are tense and jerky because your whole body is tense.
I don't know why it doesn't stop me from driving. I've had small surges hit while I'm driving, but never so bad that I couldn't keep driving relatively easily, and they happen less often. For a while, I thought that it must just be that I have to distract myself; I have to be so engaged in something that my mind isn't free to make up some pain. But no, because I can't find anything which will consistently do that: video games, movies, TV shows, books, card games, board games, studying, working out, walking, lying still, meditation, controlled breathing, audio "hypnosis" tracks, those tracks in conjunction with controlled breathing techniques........ Nope.
It's not something I can push through. This isn't normal pain. Normal pain you can ignore. You *can* get through pain. If it's just pain, not a message that something is wrong, you can keep going. If, for instance, your leg just hurts, you can run on it. If the pain in your leg is telling you that it's broken, or that you tore your ACL, then no, you can't really ignore it and keep going. Well, you kind of can, but it's better not to.
I can't claim to be immune to pain, but I think I can tell the difference. Ten years of playing soccer, doing Tae Kwon Do for four years, going through Boot Camp and MCT, spending time around Marines as a Marine; I think I can tell when I'm *hurt*, vs. when I'm *injured*.
This, I can't ignore. It doesn't matter what I'm doing- it's not like I can take weight off of it and it will stop, like you would with a sprained ankle. It doesn't change. There isn't anything I know of which stops it.
Okay, I think I've whined enough. I could keep writing for an hour or so, but this pain hasn't changed, and I'm tired of just sitting here while my legs dance and flex and my toes curl and I try really hard to just keep typing.
Fuck.
This.
Shit.
Goddamn, I'm tired of this.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Snow! *CRASH*
This says it all:
Except that I'm not sure it's just Maryland drivers who feel this way. I don't have a lot of experience driving outside of Maryland or Delaware, but from what I can tell, people are just fucking stupid.
I said in a post a while ago that there should be a mandatory driver's test to renew your license. I think it should be every 5 years, when you renew, until you hit age 50, at which point it should be every other year. Or maybe every year.
But even leaving aside old people, who are just dangerous most of the time they're behind the wheel, almost ALL drivers are idiots. I've seen this more and more being near DC, although I had a sense of it before: people have NO idea how to drive in any sort of inclement weather. I clearly remember being in Delaware (a hotbed for truly awful drivers) and watching cars literally slide through intersections- in the rain. Not snow and ice, just steady rain.
Now, me, I can tolerate dangerously-fast driving if the driver knows what they're doing. Knowing what is going on around you and being mindful of other traffic is vital at any speed, in any situation. Driving intelligently is paramount to driving safely- for all parties involved, both the driver and other drivers around them. If you're doing 85 down a small road, but I'm confident in your abilities and if you're comfortable, I'm usually OK. However, too many people *think* that they're okay, and that everyone else on the road is an idiot, and they're right. (no matter what they're doing) I have been in a car several times while someone yells about some idiot driver pulling some stupid maneuver in front of them, and then watched them do the same thing- or something similar, or much more dangerous- without batting an eye.
Yes, you're probably thinking I'm being very hypocritical. However, I know that I'm not perfect. I pay attention. I try to keep out of the way of other drivers, stick to what I know, and get through every drive without having a horn blown at me. I don't always succeed, but we're human (i.e. horribly flawed) and things happen. I try very, very hard not to be dangerous on the road, to make allowances for weather and especially for other drivers and their horrific habits.
So now, back to everyone else:
Simple things which would make the road so much safer are just ignored. Turn signals make everything so much simpler and safer. If you signal your intent to everyone who can see you before moving, and you don't leave the signal on for an unnecessary amount of time, then people *know* what you're trying to do, and they can give you space.
That's another thing: I say I make allowances for others. That means that when someone is in an unexpected "Exit Only" or "Turn Only" lane and they're trying to merge into your lane, let them. If people stopped thinking of ways that *they* can feel like they're moving faster, and instead focused on making the *traffic* move smoothly, they would end up getting to their destination more easily. When the signs say, "Lane ends, 500 feet", MERGE. It's not that complicated! It's telling you ahead of time that you HAVE to get into the other lane- so DO IT. But no; everyone stays in the lane until it ends, and then they jam themselves into the moving traffic, causing people to tap their brakes, which causes the people behind them to press their brakes, and suddenly traffic isn't moving. Do things you're supposed to do; there is a reason why they are thus.
And weather, to get back to the beginning of this post: When it's raining, all you have to do is start braking earlier; don't cut turns so sharply; slow down and smooth things out. That's all. You don't need to be paranoid and act like there are sheets of ice all over the blacktop. Calm the fuck down, and drive intelligently.
Maybe it's just asking too much for people to be smart. You don't have to be a fucking Nobel Laureate; just don't be so goddamned stupid! It's not hard; just THINK before you do things.
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