Doubled

So, this is going to be a pretty short post.

1) It's weird- I have always had pretty low self-esteem. Not low, as in "needs therapy, depressed, hates himself, doesn't think he's worth anything" low; just "doesn't think he's the best thing since Jesus sliced some bread"... which is what a lot of people seem to think...
It took me years to accept the fact that other people think that I'm smart. And, once I got that down, it took me a few more years to believe that I am smart (I could see other people thinking so, but I didn't really think I was- actually, I kind of still think I'm not that smart. At least, not as smart as others think)
So, this blog... it still surprises me when people read it.
Then again.... it annoys me that more people don't.
This is NOT a plea for attention- please don't go and try to convince people they need to read this! I mean, hey, by all means, if you do like this blog, tell your friends; but I'd rather people find this and read because it's what they want to do.
But I have this weird thing... I am surprised when I see that people have read this, but I'm let down a bit when I see they haven't, or I think that not many have.
I have had 160 pageviews (as of just before I started writing this about 30 seconds ago) since I started this blog.... and that was, what, last month? Hey, don't get me wrong- again, half of me was seriousny expecting to have three people occasionally read a post or two every other month; then, the other half of me literally *knows* people who have more than 160 steady *followers* of a blog. I have 1 follower (thanks to you, btw, if you read this)
Again, I'm not crying for attention, I'm not whining or having a pity party. I'm just commenting on the fact that I have this weird split personality: one half, which thinks I'm awesome at Bo staff (or was- haven't used one in a long time) and is impressed by my own intellect, and (when I WAS in shape) thought I was in pretty good shape (even that half of me isn't dumb enough to think that now that I'm 30lb heavier than I was before I got blown up); and the other half, which is the one which usually speaks for me, is more... well, more realistic, I like to think of it. (well, not like to, but tend to) It tells me that when I was in Tae Kwon Do, I couldn't do a full split or a back flip (I knew people who could do both- one could do a flip, and land in a split), and sees the manymany brilliant people around me and notes every time that I'm short of them on anything, and... well, see, I think I would have a self-esteem *problem* if this half wasn't controlled. I feel like this half of myself just keeps my head level and realistic- if I didn't have something telling me that I wasn't hot shit at everything all the time, I'd eat compliments and be an egotistical jackass. But that half of me keeps me in check, keeps me reasonable when comparing myself to others. Okay, it might be a little on the harsh, critical side, but I'm fine with that.

2) So, this hurricane.... it's kind of a joke here.
Hurricane Sandy has made landfall in Maryland. I have no clue where it is right now, but that's not really relevant.
I'm in Bethesda, MD, right now- which is near DC. It's not coastal, but all of MD is split by the Chesapeake Bay, so nothing is totally land-locked or too far from the water. So, this hurricane gets close, and I see news stories about massive waves and OH SHIT weather rolling in; I'm seeing satellite images of the storm and it's HUGE, and the TV and Internet (and presumably radio too, but I don't have one on) are all going on and on about how much calamity is going to befall the East Coast, and how much shit is going to go down and get fucked up when it does.
Then, RIGHT after this story about the terrible shit that's going to go down when the storm breaks, the "Local on the Eights" comes on (I was in the lobby, The Weather Channel was on the TV there). And the weather forecast says that "tonight," (last night) "winds 25-35mph, gusts up to 45, chance of rain 60%, temperature [somewhere around 40-50*]" (that's not exactly it, but those are the numbers it had, just not exact wording)
Then, "Tomorrow: temperature [about the same]; winds 35-45mph, gusts to 55; chance of rain [I think it was 60% again, but it might have been higher]" and that was IT.
So, I'm sitting there going, "wait.... isn't this a massive storm? Isn't this a fucking HURRICANE?! Where's the calamity and destruction in this forecast?!" Then, today comes, and: it's.... well, about as exciting as the forecast. It's cold (the rain is really cold), there's light wind (it was really just breeze for a while, but now it's actually wind, but still not even close to HURRICANE-level), and... that's it.
Now, for this weather, the hospital- the National Military Medical Center- is CLOSED. Yeah, essential personnel are here- it's a fucking hospital, so of course someone is here to keep patients... well, alive, y'know? But everything else is down. I had a couple of appointments today- they were all cancelled: PT, OT, TBI evaluation, Driving Therapy, all cancelled. Place is closed tomorrow, too. My mother teaches at a college, and she's off today. My younger sister is in college, and she's off today as well. In Boston, streets are flooding, my dad says rain is going sideways in the wind, and that's way up in Boston. Here, in MD, where the hurricane made fucking land, not an hour from the Bay, we have... some wind (nota bene: SOME wind) and steady rain. No downpours, no gale-force blowing, nothing. Nope. Not here.
WHAT THE FUCK?! I LOVE RAIN. I love crazy hard wind. I love pounding, torrential water falling from a dark sky stitched with lightning, winds punching the windows and bending pine trees like licorice.
I.
LOVE.
STORMS.
And I really miss them.
I'll never be able to run barefoot across campus in the pouring rain with the girl I'm desperate for. I'll not, for years at least, climb pines and swing back and forth in the gale.
For years, I'll have trouble even standing on my leg for long periods of time, so even just sitting outside and enjoying the weather.
Yeah, life goes on. It just doesn't go as it was, and instead of continuing to live my life at the peak of my youth/energy/ability- I mean, I'm 20 years old, and let's be honest, I'm pretty sure that's prime time for a guy- instead, I'm taking a few years' break to learn to walk, run, or even get up to use the fucking bathroom. I'm just taking a few years, a little sabbatical, and hopefully it won't be long until I can actually use my leg like a normal leg.

Sorry, that got way off-topic and inappropriate and depress(ed/ing)
But, I'm not deleting it, because this blog is me talking, and that's just me talking. If we (assuming someone is reading this) were talking face-to-face, I would likely have gone off on a rant like that. So, it stays. I make additions/corrections/deletions to keep this... well, making sense. But I'm not going back and deleting three paragraphs of myself talking because I'm a little embarrassed by weakness and I don't particularly like spilling 'feelings' like that. But, I was talking, and I put it on here knowing that it's a public blog.

... To close, something that I've said... well, a lot- a LOT- lately:

C'est la vie

To wrap it all up...

Well, today is just a little combination of a few previous posts, but this is something that has been on my mind lately because I've talked about it with a few people lately (don't ask me why- I swear, conversations have a life of their own. An UNDEAD life)

This is about homosexual marriage.

I'm HOPING that this is short, because if it goes on for very long it's just going to be RANTING. (not that it won't be anyway, but short rants, I can read. Long ones are just annoying)

DISCLAIMER:

I did not think of this idea on my own. My older sister first mentioned this to me, and then (rather astonishingly) my mother made almost the exact same argument just a few days later.

And I'm just going to jump *straight* into it:

I don't think that homosexual couples should be permitted to marry. I think that it is perfectly acceptable, in fact even expected, of the Church- at least, the Christian church- to have rules against homosexuality. I mean, it says, clearly, in the Bible- I think multiple times, too- that a man should not be 'with' a man.

(it's interesting- it doesn’t say that women shouldn’t have relationships with women: “their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature… the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.” [Romans 1:26-27, NIV] so it specifically says men shouldn’t be ‘with’ men, but it doesn’t specify with women… and, who wrote the bible? MEN? Hmmm….)

NOW, moving right along.

I also think that the government has NO FUCKING BUSINESS deciding whom may marry. NONE. IT IS NOT THE GOVERNMENT’S JOB TO MARRY PEOPLE.

MARRIAGE is actually a religious ceremony. It is joining two people in the eyes of God and the Church.

And, as I recall, there are one or two minor little things in our country’s laws which say that there is a clear SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.

So, if marriage- marriage, mind- is a religious institution, WHY is the fucking government fiddling with it?! The government has NO authority over it!! It can’t even annul marriages it feels are inappropriate or unwise, and it certainly can’t make the Church marry people the Church doesn’t believe should be married.

So, this whole ‘homosexual marriage’ controversy, where everyone is protesting and making laws and speeches and there is an incessant stream of bullshit that shouldn’t be said or done, is absolute horseshit. It shouldn’t be an issue.

Yes, the State may join two persons. That is a LEGAL institution- people may be joined by a Judge, and they are NOT married. And vice versa: if two people are married, then they should also have to apply for legal recognition, to be seen legally as a couple.

So, the Church doesn’t want to let gay people marry? Okay, don’t. However, the government should have NO say on this matter; they just join those who request it, who have sound reason to be together. (two 8-year-old kids would not be unified in the eyes of the Law, for instance)

This would mean that the government would be serving its citizens, as it should, according to their wishes; and the Church would continue to hold its beliefs, untainted, unmarred by political squabbling. However the Church sees fit to practice its religion, including not marrying same-sex couples, is, in this country, absolutely okay.

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. Has D.C. just forgotten about that? Why is this a problem? The Church can’t- CAN’T- make the government recognize what it thinks is right; and likewise, the government CAN’T force the Church to accept the rules which it- the government- decides to live by.

Don't discriminate against homosexuals, you faggot!

Okay, so right there in the title I've insulted some people, and that's what I want to talk about.

See, yes, "faggot" is a word which has, for years now, been used to insult homosexual males. (not females, for some reason...) But here's the thing:
ANY word can be insulting.

"Faggot", I was told, originally (or possibly just 'in the past', I don't know for sure what it started as) meant "a bundle of sticks". Which makes sense, because think about two naked guys embracing- you get a 'bundle of sticks' (stick-like things, anyway), right? So yeah, that makes sense... why is this a demeaning, terrible insult, again?
Honestly, it is because we as a society have decided it is. That is the only reason.
But people don't listen to *how* a word is said- all they hear is the word, and they read into it what they think would be meant by it. This is why I hate texting important, meaningful things- anything emotionally relevant, etc. I prefer calling the person, so that they can HEAR how I say things. A LOT can be inferred, or NOT inferred, by tone and expression.

So, say I walk up to someone on the street who's holding hands with someone of their same sex; and I say, "Hey, you HOMOSEXUALS, what's up?" and I say it in an angry, insulting way, that would be insulting. Calling them "homosexual"s would be an insult. If I were to walk up to the same couple and instead say, "Hey, fags, what's up? Good day?" in a totally friendly, carefree way... it's still an insult. Why?
Because it uses that word.

I think people are too easily offended. I mean, fuck, we can't say "midget"- I even think "little people" is being phased out now- we can't say "gay", can't say "black", can't say someone is "retarded", can't use pretty much anything that describes someone's ethnicity, gender, sexuality, disabilit(y/ies), etc. Because that's now offensive.

FUCK. NO.

Holy shit. They're WORDS. Get over it! Are you really so weak and easily offended that you need to be protected by society so that no one says the wrong word to you?!

I mean, we really need to be careful about how we talk.
Political correctness has, for YEARS, been a very serious problem. Really. I understand not wanting to insult people, and I understand that some words are associated with a certain person- okay, "faggot" might be moving a bit far. But, honestly: "midget"? Really? We can't say that anymore. What are they, "vertically challenged persons" now?
Just... just, no. Nope. Stupid.
Really, everyone needs to buck it the fuck up and be a grown-up.

(really, this and the last post are pretty inflammatory- please don't try to kill me!)

I'm expecting some death threats now...

So I haven't written in a while.
But now, I'm going to go and be FAR MORE out-of-line and say something probably more damaging and inflammatory than my post on racism:

Christians are idiots.

Now, HOLD ON. I'm NOT saying that ALL Christians are idiots! (yes, I know that is, technically, what I said, but hear me out) My whole family is Christian; I was raised, and continue to be nurtured and cared for, by an entirely Christian household. I have enormous respect for the Church, and for Christian love and the widespread, great support and help that they give to people all over the world- missionary work has, for centuries, made a huge impact on people in almost every country.
However, I have reached the point where I firmly call myself Agnostic. I am not Christian, primarily because I can't agree with most of the actions, practices, and some of the beliefs of the church.
However, ignoring the discussion of the actual beliefs I have an issue with, this is what has been seriously pissing me off for a few years now:
Christians have forgotten to show the love that they preach.
Now, that's not saying that I'm a particularly loving person. I don't selflessly give all of my money to charity; I don't spend my nights rounding up the homeless to lead into shelters; I haven't committed my life to bringing people I don't know out of destitution. However, it angers me because the Church has, since its inception, done nothing but preach tolerance and love for all people, and simultaneously done nothing but discriminate, argue, and whine.

This is particularly true today, in the United States of America. One of the cornerstones of American policy is religious tolerance; Americans have always, in theory, been totally free to practice whatever they feel they must.
However, that's not true today.
I've recently found a channel on YouTube called "The Young Turks"
(http://www.youtube.com/user/tytuniversity)
I like this channel because they talk about, and agree with, a lot of things I feel.
One of their videos in particular talks about Texas A&M University, which some time ago was building a tower which incorporated four Christian crosses into its design. A Professor took issue with that, because although it was *at the time* being built on private land, it was being built with tax dollars, and would eventually become the property of the State University. Because of her protest, they did remove the crosses from the design.
The Professor then received *death threats* from Christians in the area.
... Let's say that again:
THE PROFESSOR RECEIVED DEATH THREATS *FROM*CHRISTIANS* IN THE AREA.
... WaitWHAT??!!??!!!
The Christians were angry because they felt persecuted against, and they thought that this woman Professor was evil and must hate them, and they were clearly standing up for their rights, which as we all know are under siege every day in this Christian-hating country.

..... WOAH. Back. The. FUCK. Up.
This country was founded by devout Christians. "One Nation, under God..." is in the goddamn pledge of allegiance to this country, and every fucking day there's a HUGE argument about how agnostics, atheists, and other religious followers argue that that phrase should be removed- and immediately, Christians rise up all over the country and SCREAM, because their freedoms are being infringed upon!
No.
Fucking. No.
NO.
Dude. Really?! No. Just, fucking, no.
And this isn't like when I talked about black people, and had to say that "I don't know what persecution might really be going on, because I'm not black..." No. I was raised Christian, I lived as a Christian until I was in High School (if anyone asks, I'll talk about WHY I stopped calling myself Christian) and my entire family is Christian. (well, the family I know- we don't really talk to, or see often, my dad's side) So I DO actually know what it's like to be a Christian in this country. And I've seen the arguments about Christians for years; and honestly, most of them are because Christians take issue with something that ISN'T a big issue, and they say things that piss other rational people off and then defend them to the hilt, and honestly this country ISN'T brimming with hatred for Christians.

But honestly. Really. HOLY SHIT. Let's let some OTHER people into the 'safe zone', shall we? Let's let the Muslims, who in the last DECADE have been treated HORRIBLY by everyone from airport security, to mall cops, to CHILDREN in middle school, to neighbors who watch them through the blinds whenever they carry a box into the house, have a little breathing room! Let's give atheists the freedom to NOT believe what they don't believe, instead of FORCING them to say that they believe in God during the Pledge of Allegiance.
Think about this: What would happen if a Christian was made to say that it was *possible* that God wasn't true? Think about all the anger and near-violence over the teaching of the THEORY of Evolution in schools?! I'm sorry, but this is a goddamn SCIENCE CLASS, so let's teach fucking SCIENTIFIC THEORY, not religious belief. I don't believe that the entire Universe could have started from the "Big Bang", but that has been leading SCIENTIFIC THEORY for years- so why can't they teach that in a SCIENCE class??!
See, that's somewhere where Christians were asked to listen to THEORY that wasn't entirely based on FAITH- which the Bible itself says is "...being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1, NIV)- while sitting in a SCIENCE CLASS. Science, let's remember, is "

systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation." (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/science)

So clearly, Christians in this country are only worried about their OWN freedoms, protecting their OWN beliefs- and they have the nerve to be surprised, hurt, and angry when people are wary and mistrustful of, and hurt by, the Christian Church.

 

So, yes, I don't like the Christian Church today. I don't follow their practices, I don't agree with a lot of their positions, and I don't like or agree with a lot of their public actions and/or statements.

 

So now, I'll be waiting for the Death Threats to arrive in the mail.  (it's possible that some of them will come from my own family....)

By the way, I'm NOT finished with this. My next post (coming either tonight or tomorrow, hopefully) will be about homosexuality, and possibly about name-calling (although that might just be its own post)

I'm not racist, and all of you should get over it already

Okay, I'm going to start this one off with another disclaimer (which tells you that this might be an interesting post):

I am NOT RACIST. I'm not. At all.
That means that I'm not negatively prejudiced toward any one particular race. I don't dislike people just because they're a different color, shape, etc. than I am. I don't, and I never have. Honest.

This does NOT mean, however, that I'm colorblind, or that I go out of my way to make everyone happy.

(I should note that this is going to start with racism, but likely turn into something much larger)

See, I honestly think that stereotypes- SOME stereotypes, maybe most stereotypes- exist for a reason.
Not that 'all stereotypes are completely accurate', or that I believe that all stereotypes should exist, or that stereotypes can't be hurtful.
I do, however, as I said, absolutely believe that behind a lot of stereotypes is a grain of truth.

Let's think about it:
1) Asians are good at math
Well... Yeah, they are. This doesn't mean that all Asians hit Calculus in Middle School, or that any Asian friend of yours can get you straight-A's in the math class you're failing, or anything like that. However, Asians are far more scholastically motivated than most Americans. Every Asian kid I know- even the ones who were born in the United States or have lived their entire lives here and don't remember their birthplace- are more motivated, serious, and invested in school.
2) Black people like fried chicken, collard greens, watermelon, and Kool-Aid.
Well... yeah, they do. Black people came into this country primarily as slaves, and they were primarily in the South of the United States. The South is the birthplace of fried chicken, collard greens, and watermelon, and Kool-Aid goes well with fried chicken. So although black people have moved into the North now, their family moved there from the South; in the South, they'd grown accustomed to the food that was popular there, so when they moved uen their childrep to the North, they made that food. Their children ate it, their grandchildren did, and when they died their children had been accustomed to it, so they would make it for their families, and so on. So while no, black people don't exist on a diet of exclusively those foods, black people are likely to enjoy them.

And because some of you might be fuming right now because of what I just said, let me explain:

"Black" is NOT A RACIST WORD. HOLY FUCK, you stupid little whiny bitches- it is NOT OFFENSIVE. No, I really don't care what the fuck you say- I'm "white", but it's racist and offensive to call an Asian person 'yellow', a black person 'black', a Mexican person 'brown'- WHY?! Are you really that fucking stupid and weak that you're insulted when someone refers to the color of your fucking skin?!
No, 'black' people aren't actually black- they are brown. But no one has ANY problem calling white people 'white'- but my skin isn't white. It's a kind of mix between peach and tan, maybe a really light caramel color. I have seen very few people who are actually white- and those who are are unnaturally pale. It isn't normal to just be 'white'.
... I just don't see it. I don't see, don't understand, why calling someone 'black' is offensive. I really don't get it.
So supposedly, we're supposed to call black people "African Americans".
WHY?!
Okay, no, really- I do not know a single black person who was born in Africa. I've never even met someone who was born in Africa.
Furthermore, I don't even know a single black person who's BEEN to Africa!
So WHY are they supposedly "Africa-Americans"?! THEY AREN'T AFRICAN. You might as well call me a "French-American", because my family name came from France- some of my ancestors were Huguenots. So no, I'm not considered French- I'm an American. I've never lived in France, none of my family survives in France, I have no connections to the country; therefore, I'm not French. So I am not, and have never been, referred to as a "French American"; no, I'm "white".
So I'm going to ask once more- why do we have to call black people "African American"?! REALLY?!??!!! Again, I don't know a single person who was born in Africa- I don't even know anyone who was there for so much as a brief visit. I don't know anyone who has family living in Africa, or who has any sort of ties to the country or its people- other than the color of their skin.

Now, yes, I'm going to talk about a reeeaaallly touchy subject: reparations.
See, I don't agree with them. At all. In any way. No.
Right after the Civil War ended, they would have made sense; it would have been fair, and right, to have paid back those who actually were slaves, or whose parents were slaves, to make their place and keep their heads above water in a country which didn't like them, a people who didn't want them there, who didn't respect or treat them as equals.
But see, I don't know anyone who was a slave. I don't know anyone whose parents, grandparents, or even great-grandparents, were enslaved. It's been almost 200 years- 150 years- since the civil war. No, that's not a whole *lot* of time, but... honestly, I can't help but think that it's enough time to get their feet underneath themselves and build a life.
Now, I understand that I am white, and I don't really have any idea what kind of prejudice black people in this country still face today- I've lived in quiet areas my whole life, I haven't seen the struggles minorities face to have an education, a paycheck, etc. which is on par with the white man's.
But I'm only hearing third-hand about these challenges, these prejudices, and I know so many minority families who have overcome whatever obstacles they face to achieve stable, profitable lives.

... Okay, I'm not going to say anything else that would likely earn me a few death threats, because all of my frustration at racial argument in this fucked-up country and mad world boils down to this:

If you want racism to stop, then STOP BEING RACIST.
That goes for minorities as well!
If you're insisting that who you are is NOT defined by the color of your skin, as indeed it is NOT, then WHY are you arguing that you, as a black or Asian or Hispanic person, are being discriminated against by the tyrannical white man? WHY are you making race an issue? If you want everyone to ignore your race and just focus on who you are as a person, and focus on what you're doing and how you're living, then why are YOU the one pointing out that you're a minority?!
There are scholarships and opportunities made available for colleges that are specifically for minority students, to help them achieve what majority-born students may. But the very existence of that financial aid, let alone one's application to and acceptance of it, is a declaration that you are different, that you need to be set apart, that your life is not equal to that of any other student. The use of such aid is such that you would be saying that, no, you CAN'T make it without special help- that you can't hold your own, that you need help, that you aren't capable of making it and overcoming the challenges that any normal person would face and defeat.

So, let's say you see it as a gift- to try to amend for the wrongs done you in the past.
To which I say: WHAT WRONGS WERE DONE YOU? You, specifically- not your ancestors, not the people who looked like you but whom you've never met, but YOU. What has been done to you that makes you so unable to keep up with the rest of the population?

So, no. No.
Honestly, I do think that the ONLY way to really move past racism is to MOVE PAST RACISM. Yes, it's unfortunate; yes, some people are still prejudiced, and yes, some people are still discriminated against. But, you know what? the world is a dangerous, scary, mean place. That's life. That's how it goes.

Yes, I realize that quite a few of you are probably seriously insulted by this. I'm sorry that you're insulted- NOT sorry for what I've said, because that is what I think, but I'm sorry you're such a pussy that you're hurt by someone saying that you need to grow up.
I realize that some of you are most likely shocked that I would say something like this, that I would go out and just say shit like this- but honestly, I really think that this is the truth. I think that everyone needs to take a deep breath, and GROW THE FUCK UP, be adults, and move on.

... Whatever I feel like talking about.

Well, I've hit a RECORD on this blog:
on Thursday, October 4th, I hit....
TWELVE pageviews!
That's the most I've had in one day so far. There are 112 total, by the way. Which to me, seems like quite a lot. But then, I look at other blogs that are actually read... and they have 112 people who are actively following them.
But then, I've always had trouble with relative populace... To explain, I was home-schooled, first through eighth grades, so for all that time, it was myself, my 3 sisters (one older, two younger) and, for much of the time, one of my cousins with us. So my whole 'school' for the major formative years of my life had all of 5 kids, and my mother, in it. That's all. I didn't hang out with people, I didn't have a lot of friends- or any at all, really- and even when I went to High School, I wasn't around a lot of kids....
I went to a private school on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. There were about 150 kids in the school; we had a student-teacher ratio of 8:1. And that was a lot of kids to me. It wasn't crowded, but there were people... everywhere. It was really weird to me, to see people you didn't know. Now, by the time I was a Sophomore, I knew everyone in the school- by name, at least. As a Junior, I knew them even better. As a Senior, I didn't know the Freshmen very well beyond a few of them, and I still don't know a lot of them- and even then, I knew them all by sight, so I didn't see strangers around the school at all after... oh, about two months of being in school that year.

So yeah, 112 views is a good number to me. It's not famous, and I definitely understand that, but still, it feels.. good, I guess. Weird, mostly.

Anyways.
Yes, I was home-schooled. For a very long time. And I still maintain a strong disdain for most public schools- at least, definitely those in Maryland. Now, my best friend in college went to a slightly exclusive, incredibly difficult, intense public school in NYC- now, it had an entrance exam, but it was public school. Now, this school was, I'm pretty sure, more difficult and intense than my, *private*, school. However, it also has a population that's almost entirely Asian and Indian... not being racist. Just saying- stereotypes exist for a reason. (more on that later)
So yeah, not all public schools are shitholes. However, there are a LOT of them which ARE, very much so. I've heard stories of teachers who love their students, who teach in the public system because they want to help as many kids as they can, and who put in all of their own time and effort to teach the kids what they need to know. There are motivational stories about teachers, students, athletes, coaches- they're full of them.
Then again, the Army is full of crazy, bad-ass, intense, motivating stories in its history as well. But today, I'm sorry- the Army just isn't 'all that'. They aren't all bad-ass. Being a soldier is honorable, sure, but... I joined the Marines for a fucking reason.
Anyways. Because the organizations- the Army and public schools- are so HUGE, there are inevitably some success stories... but the majority of them is just.... sad (these days, anyway)
I hear stories about teachers who didn't pass their subject in college; men and women who just copy pages from the book onto a projector and teach them to the class; 'teachers' who are less enthusiastic about their subject than their students are; 'teachers' who teach something and then assign homework, and the students start the reading... and realize that the teacher was entirely wrong, entirely different from the text. I've heard stories that frighten me, sicken me, stories that just... disappoint and sadden me. Public schools are derelict, run-down, half-baked.

.... that's kind of a random post (not that all of these aren't, but this is especially so)
It's kind of late, and I'm on a 4-day weekend, and don't particularly care right now.... so 'bye.

Pain

So today, I talked with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) therapist. She was checking up on me, just seeing how I'm doing in general, and she asked me specifically how I thought I was doing...
Thing is, I'm doing pretty well. I've gotten a lot better at walking- which is actually tricky, it's as if you strapped your knee bent at 90 degrees and strapped a stilt to your leg to balance the height (you lost your angle, your toes, the flex and muscles in your foot- that's your entire propulsion in walking, and a LOT of your balance)- and I've worked out a lot of the internal digestion problems I've had.

But I'm left with the overall problem- the problem that's been killing me since I woke up int he hospital last November:
My leg hurts.

See, nerve pain isn't like normal pain. Nerve pain is caused by the nerves freaking out- they send random signals to the brain, fire weird bursts of electricity for no real reason, and there's no way to really soothe them. Normal muscular pain you can massage out; bone pain, you can take it easy and stay off of the hurt limb; pain from injuries like cuts and burns, you can put medicine on, numb, etc., and given some time they'll stop hurting.
Nerve pain... I'm not a doctor, and I don't completely understand it. But what I understand is that it's just caused by the trauma the nervous system has suffered. There are ways to dull the pain, but nothing has actually completely removed it for me. I've tried Lyrica, Cymbalta, Suboxone, Neurontin, Nortriptyline, Oxycodone, Methadone.... For a while now, I haven't been able to take any narcotic meds- which, of course, are the ones which *almost* took the pain away.
See, what I'm on now helps. It evens out the pain, brings the overall level of pain down, but it doesn't take it away. If I don't take Lunesta before I go to bed, I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep- my body can't relax at night. Sometimes the Lunesta just makes me really tired, and I wish even more that I could sleep... but with my leg tensed of and vibrating with pain, I can't slip off to sleep.

Nerve pain is... weird. It's not 'pain' as I would ever have described normal pain.
See, it's.... Think of when your hand or leg falls asleep- *deep* asleep, totally numb. Now, imagine it waking up- that sharp tingling sensation? Take that, multiply it by about 10 in intensity and frequency- compress it, make it more... 'dense' in the area, and then put in in your calf.
That's something like the pain I get.
Or, think of static- white noise. Think of it loud and constant- no breakthroughs of actual noise from the television or radio station, just the static noise. Now, imagine that as a physical sensation; the electrical signal of that noise, put into your skin. It's a constant buzzing, prickling, tickling, tingling. Now, put that background 'static' feeling, and lay it underneath the sharper, more pronounced sensation of when your hand wakes up that we just talked about.
That is my nerve pain.

The background static is constant. It's always, always there- there are *brief* periods of time, say when I'm actually doing something physically- working out, etc.-  it fades into the background. But, stop to take a drink of water, and it's back, usually punctuated by the sharper asleep-hand-waking-up sensation.
Also, this sensation builds over time. Sometimes it's just totally random; other times, I'll feel it build for a while. Then, at random times, it will crescendo, peak, and I'll have a LOT of trouble walking, moving my leg, etc. It's a totally numb feeling all over the end of my left leg (not the foot; my left foot is carbon fiber and plastic; it's my calf- the residual limb) and I can't use it for much. The muscle tenses up, I have a LOT of trouble not clenching it tight and just bending the knee as tight as I can- if I'm lying in bed when it happens (because it doesn't just happen from my walking on it, sometimes there is NO cause, it just happens) I'll usually end up curling my leg into my chest and holding it tight in both hands. It's hard to deal with.

Now, see, it really sounds like I'm whining.
But before I had this amputation, I talked to some guys who were working in the MATC (Military Alternate Training Center- where the amputees have PT), and they all seemed to say that a new amputation would hurt- a LOT- for a week, hurt quite a bit for a month or two, maybe three, and then I'd be okay. Guys I see working out don't suddenly stop, clutching their leg; they don't wince when they squat; they don't grimace when they try to hop or skip or run on the leg. (I can't run, but I'm working on jumping a little bit)
But me, I'm still having a lot of trouble with pain. It's holding me back- every so often, my leg will just HURT- like actually hurt, like it's sore and bruised- and then that just adds to the nerve pain.
I don't get it. I feel like this is the last real barrier for me- that once I figure this bullshit out and 'fix' it somehow, I'll be able to actually move on and be able to really walk, drive, move around, like I used to (almost). Right now, I'm *slightly* worried about things like taking trips- somewhere where I'm on my own, moving by myself, without the option to sit and take it easy until I can use the leg again if it hurts especially badly one day.
I don't get it.
And it's fucking killing me.
And I don't really know what to do about it.

There is one possibility- something that was only just mentioned to me about a month ago. Something I don't really want to have to resort to.
It's called a "Nerve Ablation".
They would go in, and either sever or burn or ___ [something] the nerve so that it doesn't carry signals to the brain.
 Here are the problems:
Due to the severe nerve damage I have in my back and leg, I can't feel the left side of my leg. I can feel the right, which is where the pain is (obviously); and it's that side which tells me things, like if there's something wrong with my leg, for instance. Now, yes, it hurts. But not being able to feel my leg at all really... worries me. I don't like the idea of not being able to feel something that I'm putting my weight on.
Now, obviously, I can't feel my prosthetic leg's foot. But I can still feel part of my leg- and I don't really want to give that up, you know?
And secondly, when I still had my leg (October 2011-February 2012; the foot was shattered, nearly every bone in it broken, and I couldn't feel my leg much at all past the knee, and nothing past mid-calf- about where it's amputated now) I had this pain in my foot. It was pretty severe, but they said to me that when I had my amputation and the foot (and, presumably, the damaged nerve endings) was cut off, the pain should stop. That wasn't guaranteed, but it was expected.
Now... obviously, that didn't happen. It just moved higher into my leg, to the end of whatever leg I have left.
So I'm very worried that if they cut this nerve bundle that's running down into my leg, that the pain will just move up again... if I end up not feeling my leg and have this nerve pain in my ass, I'll be... 'pissed' is just too light a word. I will be.... livid. Extraordinarily upset. I'll be beyond reason. I will lose my mind.

So I don't really want to take that option, but honestly, if it's between taking that chance and keeping this pain for the rest of my life... I'll take that God-awful chance.
I don't want to. But I might have to. Again, if I'm between those two choices.... I'll have to choose to try it. As much as I would hate to not feel my leg, it's not like I'm actually walking on it- as I said, I can't feel my foot, and my calf isn't really transmitting information about what I'm walking on like your feet do to you- I'd rather sleep, walk, live a normal and full life, be able to get through my days and nights without being driven somewhat insane (that is, MORE insane than I am now)... I'll have to go with sleep and relative normalcy


EDIT:
Here's a link to the Wikipedia page on nerve ablation:
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radiofrequency_ablation
Go to the section titled "Pain Management" (it's near the end of the article)

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, yes, I KNOW that Wikipedia is NOT a reliable source! I'm not taking this information to go do this procedure on someone; I'm not taking it as my sole Medical counsel. However, the site's articles are generally easy to understand, and they ARE (usually) referenced with upstanding, reliable sites.

Lost In Myself

I spend my time thinking.

What worlds float through my consciousness as I stare into the vastness of space and time that floats above my head?
The wonders of the ways that my fingers feel on computers' keyboards; how I'm planning to walk from my room to Physical Therapy tomorrow, as I do almost 5 days a week; whether I'll sit down to eat lunch in the cafeteria, or bring it back to room, compared to all the other times I've eaten there, versus what I have to do in my room, along with the benefits of using real utensils and plates as opposed to plast-
So, why did my friend say that they 'weren't really sure if they would see me...' last week? Hm. Don't know...
I'm hungry.
I need to drink more water. Six bottles a day might not be cutting it.
Now, when do I start looking into where I'll go back to school? Well, I'll have to ask that I need to talk to Jeff about what's going on with my car order- I want an arrival date ASAP.

For in sleep, what dreams may come?
My mind is in perpetual slumber- not in inactivity, but in its wondrous, painful ability to craft the most believable illusions, the most confusing mazes, the most time-consuming conundrums; there is no end to the madness, and its perpetuity tends only to prolong the madness.

I'm constantly lost in this dream-world. I'm never sure if I'm brilliant and my mind is spouting ideas that, if released, would blind the world- or if I'm reasonably intelligent, but also (not-so-slightly) insane and the noise in my head drowns out the intelligence I do have.

Death From Old Age

Those of you who are reading this blog- if anyone is actually reading this blog (which I still find hard to believe)- you probably won’t much mind what I’m about to say, but I’m quite sure that there are people in this wondrous country of brilliant, hilarious, lovely people who would be offended and annoyed…

If you’ve seen the “Grey Dawn” episode of South Park, then you’ll get what I’m about to say, and it will be very funny.

If you haven’t seen it, GO WATCH IT. It’s pretty fucking hilarious.

And actually, before I’d seen that episode, I had already decided its point for myself:

Old people should NOT drive.

They just shouldn’t.

How many of you have grandparents who mix up your name? I get called by the name of every male cousin in my family before my grandmother uses mine. She does the same with my sisters, and my cousins, and my aunts, and uncles… She can’t keep names straight, even when she’s looking directly at the person in question.

My grandfather has driven people to/from the airport for decades. So he has known an awful lot about driving, traffic, about routes; but now, he’s losing his edge. His reaction time… what reaction time? He has trouble keeping a lot of things straight- all the things he was good at: exit numbers, routes, turns, etc. He doesn’t have the energy to keep going for a few hours, to keep alert in heavy traffic while he’s trying to make time and get somewhere on time.

And I’ve noticed this with a lot of older drivers.

People fear certain groups when they’re on the road: Young people, women, rednecks/tough guys, and Asians.

Asians I see more as a joke- I think it came from Asians immigrating to the United States and not having any experience with automobiles, and their stature making it difficult for them to see over the dashboard and reach the pedals and turn the wheel in a large car. But, either that’s obsolete, or I’ve just never really bought it because I’m not racist at all.

Rednecks and tough guys, that’s just because they’re dicks. Assholes. They’ll cut you off and think it’s funny. They love having the power in their big truck, so they’ll blast the engine- deafening you with the exhaust, covering you in the noxious fumes from their oversized engine, and cutting you off with no signal and running through traffic recklessly. They don’t care about driving carefully- they might as well be in a HMMWV, they’re practically indestructible.

Women are, stereotypically, more timid. They’re less aggressive and decisive- while that’s not always a bad thing, and these days it’s certainly not universal at all, there are many times on the road when indecision is dangerous. There are often times when you need to grow some balls- pick your spot, step on the gas, get into it. Times when you need to make a split decision and just make your move.

And finally, young people. Young people are typically the most feared on the road due to their inexperience. Because they’re new drivers, young people aren’t as sure on the road- indecision, as I just said, lack of confidence, and being uncomfortable behind the wheel are all very dangerous. If you aren’t sure what’s going on when you’re behind the wheel, if you aren’t comfortable with what’s going on, then you won’t be able to look around at what’s going on, you won’t be able to make your decision and make a move in time, they’ll hold up traffic, end up in dangerous situations, etc…. etc…

Now, the one people don’t think about a lot:

THE ELDERYLY (cue dramatic, dark, creepy music!)

Now, the elderly do not have the problem of inexperience.- they’ve often been driving since before you were born.

But that’s a lot of the problem.

See, the way I think of it (I might be wrong- I’ve never actually asked, but from listening to the elderly talk about ‘when I got my license…’ and on and on, this is what I’ve surmised: For the most part, the elderly got their licenses before we were toddling around in diapers- before our parents were toddling around, even. So when they were learning how to drive, how traffic worked, how to navigate, etc., traffic was moving at a slower pace. I seriously doubt the usual speed limit nationwide was 55- nowadays, you see 65 pretty frequently. Fifty-or-so years ago, I really doubt that traffic moved at the frantic pace at which is whips along today.

So, their early experiences were with much slower traffic- and yes, they’ve been around as cars got faster, so one would presume that they’d had time to adjust, right? Well, yes, except that while they’ve been in steadily faster and faster cars, they’ve been getting steadily slower and slower themselves. Their reactions and senses have slowed as they’ve aged, and as your abilities are influenced, in anything physical in which you have experience- sports, martial arts, etc.- you tend to fall back on your earliest, most basic training.

So, we have a whole lot of elderly drivers on the road today. Drivers whose eyes are not as clear, ears are not as sharp, reflexes are not as swift, judgment is not as sure, and are not as reliable as most younger people are.

Now, I do not agree with the solution in the previously-mentioned episode of South Park- taking away the license of every senior citizen simply isn’t necessary. While I do know many men and women 70+ years old who are fat, slow, have trouble moving, aren’t mentally clear, and can’t sense what’s going on around them very well (though hearing, sight, even smell or touch), I do know a good number of elders who are in better shape than many 30-year-olds I know.

What I really think should be done is the following:

Everyone should take a mandatory driving test EVER FIVE YEARS. (five years sounds good to me- one is far too many- there are way too many drivers to make a yearly test viable- the MVA would be even more packed than it is already, and a test every single year just isn’t necessary; it’s excessive) A test for EVERY driver on the road- no matter their age- would prevent an awful lot of bad drivers. It wouldn’t prevent every asshole who doesn’t pay attention from running someone off of the road, but it would make sure that everyone at least knows the basic rules of the road. A review of simple things like right-of-way and pedestrian laws would make a HUGE difference in road conditions.

So, five-year tests would make sure that the drivers on the road are knowledgeable and capable- well, not entirely sure, but better than it is now. The testing would make sure that new drivers don’t forget everything they’ve learned, and that older drivers wouldn’t become too set in bad habits and that they would keep abreast of any law changes. A comprehensive written test- NOT the bullshit they have now, which is about 5 questions that most 8-year-olds could answer- and a FULL driver’s test- something that goes through town, on open highway, taking some tight maneuvering- would make a huge, huge difference in the drivers on the road. It doesn’t have to be three hours on the road, but an hour? Perfectly reasonable, when you consider that you’re giving this person license to go and drive a vehicle that weighs a few thousand pounds at breakneck- literally, breakneck- speeds.

Think about this:

When you have your driver’s license, you are legally permitted to take into your hands your life, and the life of every single person you drive past. When you’re licensed to drive, the government is placing trust in you to drive past pedestrians, other cars, bikes, baby strollers, houses, office buildings, etc.- all filled with men, women, children, pets, valuables- you have a few million dollars in your hands, WITH the lives of a few hundred people.

If you hit the wrong bump, a patch of ice, whoops!, you’re now careening across the sidewalk- taking out 5 pedestrians, one of whom is pushing her double stroller- through a car dealership’s parking lot- damaging 3 brand-new Porsches, a Mercedes, and the Land Rover of a customer- and into the showroom- bringing down half of the glass wall, injuring three customers and a salesperson, and smashing into another Porsche.

So, HOW does the government justify handing a license to someone who doesn’t understand SIMPLE RIGHT-OF-WAY IN AN INTERSECTION?!

It just makes sense to me to have a regular check-up, to make sure that drivers are aware of laws, are still capable, and that their skills are still sharp. I don’t know how this hasn’t been the standard practice since driving tests became mandatory. The dentist checks you regularly to make sure your teeth are in good shape; the doctor does the same for the rest of your body; and you generally shoulder the responsibility of taking care of your body much as you shoulder the responsibility of keeping yourself in practice for driving. But if you’re still expected to make regular appointments to have your body checked on, why would you not have regular appointments to check up on something that not only threatens your health but the health of every person within a hundred feet of your vehicle?!

If this doesn’t make sense to you, I definitely want to hear from you, because it makes perfect sense to me. Like I said, I don’t see how this isn’t already standard practice. I want to hear any logical arguments in opposition, so that I might be able to understand why this isn’t already in place.