Doubled

So, this is going to be a pretty short post.

1) It's weird- I have always had pretty low self-esteem. Not low, as in "needs therapy, depressed, hates himself, doesn't think he's worth anything" low; just "doesn't think he's the best thing since Jesus sliced some bread"... which is what a lot of people seem to think...
It took me years to accept the fact that other people think that I'm smart. And, once I got that down, it took me a few more years to believe that I am smart (I could see other people thinking so, but I didn't really think I was- actually, I kind of still think I'm not that smart. At least, not as smart as others think)
So, this blog... it still surprises me when people read it.
Then again.... it annoys me that more people don't.
This is NOT a plea for attention- please don't go and try to convince people they need to read this! I mean, hey, by all means, if you do like this blog, tell your friends; but I'd rather people find this and read because it's what they want to do.
But I have this weird thing... I am surprised when I see that people have read this, but I'm let down a bit when I see they haven't, or I think that not many have.
I have had 160 pageviews (as of just before I started writing this about 30 seconds ago) since I started this blog.... and that was, what, last month? Hey, don't get me wrong- again, half of me was seriousny expecting to have three people occasionally read a post or two every other month; then, the other half of me literally *knows* people who have more than 160 steady *followers* of a blog. I have 1 follower (thanks to you, btw, if you read this)
Again, I'm not crying for attention, I'm not whining or having a pity party. I'm just commenting on the fact that I have this weird split personality: one half, which thinks I'm awesome at Bo staff (or was- haven't used one in a long time) and is impressed by my own intellect, and (when I WAS in shape) thought I was in pretty good shape (even that half of me isn't dumb enough to think that now that I'm 30lb heavier than I was before I got blown up); and the other half, which is the one which usually speaks for me, is more... well, more realistic, I like to think of it. (well, not like to, but tend to) It tells me that when I was in Tae Kwon Do, I couldn't do a full split or a back flip (I knew people who could do both- one could do a flip, and land in a split), and sees the manymany brilliant people around me and notes every time that I'm short of them on anything, and... well, see, I think I would have a self-esteem *problem* if this half wasn't controlled. I feel like this half of myself just keeps my head level and realistic- if I didn't have something telling me that I wasn't hot shit at everything all the time, I'd eat compliments and be an egotistical jackass. But that half of me keeps me in check, keeps me reasonable when comparing myself to others. Okay, it might be a little on the harsh, critical side, but I'm fine with that.

2) So, this hurricane.... it's kind of a joke here.
Hurricane Sandy has made landfall in Maryland. I have no clue where it is right now, but that's not really relevant.
I'm in Bethesda, MD, right now- which is near DC. It's not coastal, but all of MD is split by the Chesapeake Bay, so nothing is totally land-locked or too far from the water. So, this hurricane gets close, and I see news stories about massive waves and OH SHIT weather rolling in; I'm seeing satellite images of the storm and it's HUGE, and the TV and Internet (and presumably radio too, but I don't have one on) are all going on and on about how much calamity is going to befall the East Coast, and how much shit is going to go down and get fucked up when it does.
Then, RIGHT after this story about the terrible shit that's going to go down when the storm breaks, the "Local on the Eights" comes on (I was in the lobby, The Weather Channel was on the TV there). And the weather forecast says that "tonight," (last night) "winds 25-35mph, gusts up to 45, chance of rain 60%, temperature [somewhere around 40-50*]" (that's not exactly it, but those are the numbers it had, just not exact wording)
Then, "Tomorrow: temperature [about the same]; winds 35-45mph, gusts to 55; chance of rain [I think it was 60% again, but it might have been higher]" and that was IT.
So, I'm sitting there going, "wait.... isn't this a massive storm? Isn't this a fucking HURRICANE?! Where's the calamity and destruction in this forecast?!" Then, today comes, and: it's.... well, about as exciting as the forecast. It's cold (the rain is really cold), there's light wind (it was really just breeze for a while, but now it's actually wind, but still not even close to HURRICANE-level), and... that's it.
Now, for this weather, the hospital- the National Military Medical Center- is CLOSED. Yeah, essential personnel are here- it's a fucking hospital, so of course someone is here to keep patients... well, alive, y'know? But everything else is down. I had a couple of appointments today- they were all cancelled: PT, OT, TBI evaluation, Driving Therapy, all cancelled. Place is closed tomorrow, too. My mother teaches at a college, and she's off today. My younger sister is in college, and she's off today as well. In Boston, streets are flooding, my dad says rain is going sideways in the wind, and that's way up in Boston. Here, in MD, where the hurricane made fucking land, not an hour from the Bay, we have... some wind (nota bene: SOME wind) and steady rain. No downpours, no gale-force blowing, nothing. Nope. Not here.
WHAT THE FUCK?! I LOVE RAIN. I love crazy hard wind. I love pounding, torrential water falling from a dark sky stitched with lightning, winds punching the windows and bending pine trees like licorice.
I.
LOVE.
STORMS.
And I really miss them.
I'll never be able to run barefoot across campus in the pouring rain with the girl I'm desperate for. I'll not, for years at least, climb pines and swing back and forth in the gale.
For years, I'll have trouble even standing on my leg for long periods of time, so even just sitting outside and enjoying the weather.
Yeah, life goes on. It just doesn't go as it was, and instead of continuing to live my life at the peak of my youth/energy/ability- I mean, I'm 20 years old, and let's be honest, I'm pretty sure that's prime time for a guy- instead, I'm taking a few years' break to learn to walk, run, or even get up to use the fucking bathroom. I'm just taking a few years, a little sabbatical, and hopefully it won't be long until I can actually use my leg like a normal leg.

Sorry, that got way off-topic and inappropriate and depress(ed/ing)
But, I'm not deleting it, because this blog is me talking, and that's just me talking. If we (assuming someone is reading this) were talking face-to-face, I would likely have gone off on a rant like that. So, it stays. I make additions/corrections/deletions to keep this... well, making sense. But I'm not going back and deleting three paragraphs of myself talking because I'm a little embarrassed by weakness and I don't particularly like spilling 'feelings' like that. But, I was talking, and I put it on here knowing that it's a public blog.

... To close, something that I've said... well, a lot- a LOT- lately:

C'est la vie