Pain

So today, I talked with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) therapist. She was checking up on me, just seeing how I'm doing in general, and she asked me specifically how I thought I was doing...
Thing is, I'm doing pretty well. I've gotten a lot better at walking- which is actually tricky, it's as if you strapped your knee bent at 90 degrees and strapped a stilt to your leg to balance the height (you lost your angle, your toes, the flex and muscles in your foot- that's your entire propulsion in walking, and a LOT of your balance)- and I've worked out a lot of the internal digestion problems I've had.

But I'm left with the overall problem- the problem that's been killing me since I woke up int he hospital last November:
My leg hurts.

See, nerve pain isn't like normal pain. Nerve pain is caused by the nerves freaking out- they send random signals to the brain, fire weird bursts of electricity for no real reason, and there's no way to really soothe them. Normal muscular pain you can massage out; bone pain, you can take it easy and stay off of the hurt limb; pain from injuries like cuts and burns, you can put medicine on, numb, etc., and given some time they'll stop hurting.
Nerve pain... I'm not a doctor, and I don't completely understand it. But what I understand is that it's just caused by the trauma the nervous system has suffered. There are ways to dull the pain, but nothing has actually completely removed it for me. I've tried Lyrica, Cymbalta, Suboxone, Neurontin, Nortriptyline, Oxycodone, Methadone.... For a while now, I haven't been able to take any narcotic meds- which, of course, are the ones which *almost* took the pain away.
See, what I'm on now helps. It evens out the pain, brings the overall level of pain down, but it doesn't take it away. If I don't take Lunesta before I go to bed, I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep- my body can't relax at night. Sometimes the Lunesta just makes me really tired, and I wish even more that I could sleep... but with my leg tensed of and vibrating with pain, I can't slip off to sleep.

Nerve pain is... weird. It's not 'pain' as I would ever have described normal pain.
See, it's.... Think of when your hand or leg falls asleep- *deep* asleep, totally numb. Now, imagine it waking up- that sharp tingling sensation? Take that, multiply it by about 10 in intensity and frequency- compress it, make it more... 'dense' in the area, and then put in in your calf.
That's something like the pain I get.
Or, think of static- white noise. Think of it loud and constant- no breakthroughs of actual noise from the television or radio station, just the static noise. Now, imagine that as a physical sensation; the electrical signal of that noise, put into your skin. It's a constant buzzing, prickling, tickling, tingling. Now, put that background 'static' feeling, and lay it underneath the sharper, more pronounced sensation of when your hand wakes up that we just talked about.
That is my nerve pain.

The background static is constant. It's always, always there- there are *brief* periods of time, say when I'm actually doing something physically- working out, etc.-  it fades into the background. But, stop to take a drink of water, and it's back, usually punctuated by the sharper asleep-hand-waking-up sensation.
Also, this sensation builds over time. Sometimes it's just totally random; other times, I'll feel it build for a while. Then, at random times, it will crescendo, peak, and I'll have a LOT of trouble walking, moving my leg, etc. It's a totally numb feeling all over the end of my left leg (not the foot; my left foot is carbon fiber and plastic; it's my calf- the residual limb) and I can't use it for much. The muscle tenses up, I have a LOT of trouble not clenching it tight and just bending the knee as tight as I can- if I'm lying in bed when it happens (because it doesn't just happen from my walking on it, sometimes there is NO cause, it just happens) I'll usually end up curling my leg into my chest and holding it tight in both hands. It's hard to deal with.

Now, see, it really sounds like I'm whining.
But before I had this amputation, I talked to some guys who were working in the MATC (Military Alternate Training Center- where the amputees have PT), and they all seemed to say that a new amputation would hurt- a LOT- for a week, hurt quite a bit for a month or two, maybe three, and then I'd be okay. Guys I see working out don't suddenly stop, clutching their leg; they don't wince when they squat; they don't grimace when they try to hop or skip or run on the leg. (I can't run, but I'm working on jumping a little bit)
But me, I'm still having a lot of trouble with pain. It's holding me back- every so often, my leg will just HURT- like actually hurt, like it's sore and bruised- and then that just adds to the nerve pain.
I don't get it. I feel like this is the last real barrier for me- that once I figure this bullshit out and 'fix' it somehow, I'll be able to actually move on and be able to really walk, drive, move around, like I used to (almost). Right now, I'm *slightly* worried about things like taking trips- somewhere where I'm on my own, moving by myself, without the option to sit and take it easy until I can use the leg again if it hurts especially badly one day.
I don't get it.
And it's fucking killing me.
And I don't really know what to do about it.

There is one possibility- something that was only just mentioned to me about a month ago. Something I don't really want to have to resort to.
It's called a "Nerve Ablation".
They would go in, and either sever or burn or ___ [something] the nerve so that it doesn't carry signals to the brain.
 Here are the problems:
Due to the severe nerve damage I have in my back and leg, I can't feel the left side of my leg. I can feel the right, which is where the pain is (obviously); and it's that side which tells me things, like if there's something wrong with my leg, for instance. Now, yes, it hurts. But not being able to feel my leg at all really... worries me. I don't like the idea of not being able to feel something that I'm putting my weight on.
Now, obviously, I can't feel my prosthetic leg's foot. But I can still feel part of my leg- and I don't really want to give that up, you know?
And secondly, when I still had my leg (October 2011-February 2012; the foot was shattered, nearly every bone in it broken, and I couldn't feel my leg much at all past the knee, and nothing past mid-calf- about where it's amputated now) I had this pain in my foot. It was pretty severe, but they said to me that when I had my amputation and the foot (and, presumably, the damaged nerve endings) was cut off, the pain should stop. That wasn't guaranteed, but it was expected.
Now... obviously, that didn't happen. It just moved higher into my leg, to the end of whatever leg I have left.
So I'm very worried that if they cut this nerve bundle that's running down into my leg, that the pain will just move up again... if I end up not feeling my leg and have this nerve pain in my ass, I'll be... 'pissed' is just too light a word. I will be.... livid. Extraordinarily upset. I'll be beyond reason. I will lose my mind.

So I don't really want to take that option, but honestly, if it's between taking that chance and keeping this pain for the rest of my life... I'll take that God-awful chance.
I don't want to. But I might have to. Again, if I'm between those two choices.... I'll have to choose to try it. As much as I would hate to not feel my leg, it's not like I'm actually walking on it- as I said, I can't feel my foot, and my calf isn't really transmitting information about what I'm walking on like your feet do to you- I'd rather sleep, walk, live a normal and full life, be able to get through my days and nights without being driven somewhat insane (that is, MORE insane than I am now)... I'll have to go with sleep and relative normalcy


EDIT:
Here's a link to the Wikipedia page on nerve ablation:
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radiofrequency_ablation
Go to the section titled "Pain Management" (it's near the end of the article)

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, yes, I KNOW that Wikipedia is NOT a reliable source! I'm not taking this information to go do this procedure on someone; I'm not taking it as my sole Medical counsel. However, the site's articles are generally easy to understand, and they ARE (usually) referenced with upstanding, reliable sites.